the line of contempt

2009-08-15T21:25:00.004+10:00

I love my iPhone. I know, I know: I'm a sheep/Mac-tragic/everybody has one/blah blah, but it's a great little piece of technology that makes my life easier (maybe. Or maybe more complicated and I'm buying into some big corporate lie. Whatever), means I'm never without my beloved internets (I have made peace with my addiction; it's fine), and it's real purty.

Six years ago, I refused to even own a mobile phone. I still remember feeling like a shameful sell-out walking into Clifton Hill Retravision to buy my first pre-paid Nokia 3210 after my employer insisted I do so.

Now I sometimes catch myself sitting on a bus, sliding my fingers over what is essentially a palm-sized touch-screen computer, as I check my email/pay bills/download music, and can't help but smile at how impressively high tech and futuristic it all is. Yes, for all my hardened cynicism, even I know that 18-year-old playing black-and-white 16-bit snake for the first time on the bus home from Retravision would be utterly stunned to see what I was doing on that exact same bus less than a decade later (though possibly more stunned that I still don't have a driver's license and am STILL public transport's bitch).

Anyway, enough wide-eyed gushing. That was really all just a long-winded intro leading up to a list my favourite iPhone apps. Because I like lists.

(Disclaimer: some of these are technically mobile/iPhone versions of websites that I have on my home screen and not technically apps, but they operate in much the same way -- sometimes better).

Newsy apps
A fair part of my job involves being on top of the news, at home and abroad, all the time. I read newspapers, magazines, blogs and online news sites all day long. So the first thing I like to do in the morning is see what the rest of the world has been doing and reading while I've been asleep.

First port of call is the ABC app, which is fairly good for the latest local news (though interspersed with random ABC content I don't want to see), and is fast and well designed. Next is Google News, which is a nicely pared down version of the site. I then often check the Huffington Post's 'World' section. The actual HuffPo website makes my eyes bleed, but their app is much sleeker and dare I say, a better way of looking at their content than via the actual site.

'Big Headlines' out of the way, I jump on the Daily Beast's Cheat Sheet, which has been nicely optimised for phones. It's fairy US-centric, but they pick through the best/most interesting of the US papers, and have a great nose for leaked documents, good political interviews and meaty op-eds. For similar things and an equally slick, easy-to-use design, broken down well into categories, I'll give a shout-out to the Newser mobile site.

Then, to see what stories have been doing big eyeball mileage overnight, I use Diggle, which is a great little Digg app and another one I prefer to use over the original site itself. I don't know what algorithm they use, but I find the stories/sites listed tend to be fresher than on the real site. It's also insanely easy to bookmark every headline that looks interesting and send the whole list in one email for me to read when I get into the office.

I also have Breaking News Online, which sends push notifications for any really big news stories from around the world, as soon as they break. You have to be, uh, really addicted to the news cycle for it to be of much value, but if you're the kind of person who always likes to know what's going on in the world in a really OCD way, it's curiously reassuring to know you'll be notified straight away.

Social networking
I of course use the Facebook app, even though it sucks.

For Twitter, I've been switching between TweetDeck and Tweetie. TweetDeck is awesome, because I use it at home and at work, and they all sync in together and have my groups and it's a beautiful design. But -- and it's a big but -- it's still so freaking unstable and takes forever to load. The whole point of Twitter is writing about what you're doing now. Usually, by the time TweetDeck has loaded, I've realised what I was going to write isn't actually as witty or interesting as I'd immediately thought, and if everybody did that, Twitter would cease to exist. So if I want to say something really quickly, I jump on Tweetie -- it's simple and functional and has served me well. But I also follow a good 650+ users, so if I want to kill some time reading other people's inane thoughts, I'll wait for TweetDeck to churn into life.

Games
Here's a super-embarrassing confession: I'm a big fan of those cutesy casual/time management games of the Diner Dash ilk (don't judge me!), and the iPhone is pretty much the perfect platform for them. They're fun and mindless and good time-wasters while waiting for late trains. I won't list all the cringey titles, but if it's here, I've probably played and enjoyed it. Fuck you.

That said, the single most played game -- and I'd venture to say the single most used app full stop -- on my phone is Solitaire City. I am hopelessly addicted to Spider Solitaire and I play it every time I have a few seconds to kill.

The only 'big'/actually-paid-more-than-a-buck-for games I have is Sim City. I always loved the PC version, and the iPhone adaption is incredibly detailed and true to the original. It takes a bit of scrolling on such a small screen, but hey -- building cities then burning them down is good family fun.

Tools (and other things)
When I bought that 3210 all those years ago, Snake did indeed get a good workout, but the feature I probably loved the most was the little torch on top of the phone. Equally, one of my favourite iPhone apps is the most simple: Flashlight. It's just a full screen of white light, but really, really useful.

Theme Clock makes for a good makeshift bedside clock and allows you to turn the auto-lock off, so it stays showing all night.

This one is probably the single most useful thing on my phone: the Metlink app. As I said before, I am totally public transport's bitch, and this puts just a little of the power back in my hands. It has all the timetables and routes for all public transport, and lets you save your regular tram/train/bus stops and lines, for quick access to just how long you'll have to wait until the next sardine tin is showing up. To a lesser extent, Tram Tracker is also great, but I just catch fewer trams, and tram stops tend to be better at displaying accurate timetable info anyway.

I actually lied before when I said the first thing I looked at in the morning was the ABC -- it's actually Pocket Weather. The default weather app on the iPhone is terrible, but I really like this one. It has a seven-day outlook, gets its info direct from the BoM and has cute little animated logos. I leave the house before 7am and usually don't get home until well after 8:30, all interspersed with lots of sitting at bus stops. If it's going to be cold or rain, I really need to be appropriately dressed, because I fucking loathe the cold. I also like to find a good half-hour of non-rain in there to go running, if I can.

I actually haven't used this one for ages, but when travelling overseas (... she says like the seasoned jetsetter she is. Hah, no, but I usually take one overseas holiday a year), I have found the Currency app really useful. I can never remember even approximate currency conversions, and in these crazy economic times, it can move around a bit from day-to-day, anyway.

UrbanSpoon I like (though I don't really use that 'random' function), but because I'm a tree-hugging, carrot-marrying hippy vegetarian, I probably more often use VegOut, which shows all the vegetarian/vego-friendly places in your vicinity.

Hmm, I think that's the lot. I have a zillion other apps, I just don't use them very often. These are the ones that I love again and again and again and crack my hardened exterior to squeal "Wow, technology!"

Now naturally, I want to know your favourite apps -- especially the free/cheapo ones.

2009-07-06T22:54:00.003+10:00

In lieu of actual words, here are some random photos from my phone:

This is near my house. I don't get it:

I bought these to be sweet or something. They were gross.

Puffing Billy!

James in Chiang Mai, doing what he loves to do best on holiday:

I... don't know. A typically productive work day in the office.

Do you want... BARBARION?!

Heh:

Best pun ever? Maybe!

This is my work desk, including speakers shaped like dogs, erasers in the shape of sushi and too many post-its:

2009-02-14T22:34:00.003+11:00

Oh yeah, I have a blog. Sorry.

So, one thing I've been doing a lot in my blogging hiatus is Thai boxing. For the uninitiated, it's somewhat like kickboxing, but with added knees and elbows and fewer mullets. For those who learn visually:

Kickboxer:

Thai boxers:

Aaanyway, I do a lot of this. As I mentioned recently, I got pretty fat and lazy for a while there. It wasn't fun, but it wasn't devastating, either. I ate a lot of cheese, and that was great. Now I train maybe 13 or so hours a week and eat fairly well to sustain this level of activity. I do it because I love the sport and, although I'm an utterly lovely, compassionate, peace-loving person, I have always really enjoyed fighting. It's just fun.

But despite this, I'm not terribly interested in sport or health and fitness in a general sense. If I didn't do Thai boxing, I sincerely doubt I'd be running or doing pilates or buying an Ab-doer instead. I'd just be eating cheese. Because those things are boring. It's great being really, really fit, but it's not SO great that I'd buy a Fitness First membership just for the privilege.

I bring this up for two reasons: 1. Since I'm really, really fit these days, people talk/whinge to me a lot/ask me questions about their own fitness endeavours and, more often, their desire to get fit/lose weight, but inability to do so. 2. I've been following a great series of posts over at a blog called The Pound titled 'Against the Professionalization of Movement' (parts 1, 2, 3, 4) that expresses what I'm about to say better than I'll probably say it.

Here is what I get a lot of: "I want to get fit/lose weight. I hate the gym (or running, or whatever), but I know I should go. I will start going again."

First off, if you hate the gym, you're not going to go. You're just not. You might go for a month, or you might go sporadically, but you're not going to go regularly for the forseeable future. If you were going to love the gym, you'd know by now. I have two friends who joined the gym as adults after leading largely un-sporty lives and fell in love with it. I have many, many more friends who haven't. And they never will.

Secondly, fitness and weight loss probably isn't going to be enough of a motivator to get you to do something you don't enjoy for any sustained length of time. If you were one of those people who just loved being fit/thin that much, you'd probably already be doing the things that were necessary to get there.

My point is this: find something you actually enjoy doing.

It depresses me that so many people think the only way they can be active is by dragging their arses into the human equivalent of a hamster wheel. If you just enjoy being active for the sake of being active, you'll get fit as a result. You won't even have to think about it.

It also depresses me that many people don't even consider trying the hundreds of activities out there because the fitness industry has them convinced that the only thing adults can do is boring-arse shit like the stairmaster.

Here is a list of things you can do that aren't the gym:

Martial arts (yeah, I'm biased on this point, but there IS one for everyone!) (also, this includes boxing and wrestling and the like -- also awesome)
Bike polo
Yoga
Parkour
Rock climbing
Crossfit
Tennis
Soccer
Extreme frisbee
Swimming
Fencing
Surfing
Skating

I'm sure there are more. But fark, life is too short to waste doing something you don't even enjoy.

(Don't worry, I'm not going to turn into a fitness blogger, because ZZZZ)

2009-02-01T22:53:00.003+11:00

Let me tell you about the worst program on television at the moment. Maybe ever.

It's called 4 Ingredients and it's on the Lifestyle Channel and it's not even so bad it's good -- it's so bad it makes me hate humanity just a little bit more. (I still watch this program, of course, but only because I'm kind of addicted to the instant hit of bile I get every time I hear the theme song and so I can accurately relay it's shitness to you in full detail).

It's hosted by these two women:

The one on the left has a horrible bogan nasal voice, while the one on the right puts on this faux softly-spoken posh accent, but it's definitely fake because they're from Queensland, and all Queenslanders sound like the Scully family from Neighbours. I imagine her real voice sounds like a rusty buzz saw. She is also up the duff. Since when are pregnant women allowed on television?

Anyway, apparently these ladies wrote a cookbook consisting of recipes that only have four ingredients in them, and it was a huge seller, because people are stupid and lazy, and thus someone thought it would be a good idea to give them their own TV show.

In fact I'm pretty sure it went down something like this:

Lifestyle Channel monkey: These women have written a successful cookbook -- let us give them their own show without screen-testing them first or giving them actual scriptwriters. I'm sure their ability to write a successful cookery book means they can write and present their own TV show.

That's... pretty much the only way I can fathom this show having been created. That, or sexual favours.

So the primary reason the show is so bad is that they generally make what can only in the very loosest, vaguest, Microsoft-Word-thesaurus-synonym-choice way be called "recipes".

Here is one recipe:

Get some lamb. Put some bottled pesto on it. Put it in the oven.

THAT. IS. NOT. A. RECIPE.

Some are even worse. One was just strawberries dipped in sour cream. That was it: take a strawberry, dip it in sour cream, eat it.

And the dishes that DO resemble actual recipes are inevitably constructed entirely from bottled, tinned or pre-made ingredients so they come in under the four-ingredient limit. This is particularly annoying, as they constantly stress how "healthy" their food is. It never, ever, ever is.

This was another "recipe":

Get a pre-made pie crust. Fill it with canned caramel (yes, there is canned caramel. I know.) Cover with cream. Serve.

a) Yuck b) They PAY these women to come up with this shit?

And sometimes they just flat-out bullshit to claim something has four ingredients. "Mixed veggies" isn't ONE ingredient, lady.

To make matters worse, as I alluded to earlier, they are horrible presenters and just spout off the most idiotic shit. In one episode, the bogan one went on a rant about how she only buys "organics". "I started buying organics years ago. It's just so much better and now I only buy organics." ARGH. I think I actually yelled at the screen. It's organic food, you dolt, not a fucking brand name. Doesn't someone check this shit? Isn't there a producer on hand to have a quiet word with her?

Another time, the faux-posh one was reeling off a stupid list of ways to be more healthy (or something) and they were all stupid, but the stupidest one was this: "Eat lots of veggies because they contain antioxidants which help protect your cells from damage." Yes, THAT is the reason to eat vegetables -- because they contain molecules that, according to most studies, consuming more of won't make a shit of difference to your health -- not the millions of actually good reasons to eat them.

Oh, and the bogan one has a son called Jaxson.

*brain explodes*

If you dare, you can read some of their "recipes" here and view the horror for yourself here.

2009-01-25T15:20:00.002+11:00

So, huh, it's been a long time between drinks, eh? Here's what I've been doing with my life instead of posting here:

Up until late last year, I was working for an evil magazine publishing company. My business card said 'Editor', but it wasn't all PR freebies, ordering writers about on assignments and scintillating interviews over long lunches. Actually, it wasn't any of that. It was begging photographers for discounts, begging people to write free, rewriting the kind of copy you get when pay writers nothing, de-mangling dull email interviews, being my own sub-editor and proof-reader, trying to avoid the constant ethical compromises I was asked to make... and being told I'd done a shit job of it at the end by my barely-literate, sycophantic boss, regardless.

Anyway, I did that for almost two years. In that time, I probably put together about 20 issues of 90-120 page magazines, where I wrote (or re-wrote) the vast majority of the copy, subbed almost everything, organised and oversaw all the photo shoots and image selection, and oversaw the layout and design. I learned a lot. I also suffered from anxiety attacks and heart palpitations, couldn't sleep, ate like crap and put on weight. And I earned less than I did as a bartender for the privilege.

I'm actually not at all sorry I did it. But I hope you can all forgive me for not really wanting to spend my down-time writing when I finally got home from work at 9pm.

But anyway, you can put away the tiny violins and call off the wah-mbulance, because I'm now working in a super excellent job, with lovely, intelligent people and good hours and interesting, relevant things about which to write, and they pay me to blog and use Twitter and do silly things in Photoshop.

So now I'm happy and healthy again, I thought what better time to resurrect this here blog. I may even bring back the much-loved cult comic series, The Illustrated Adventures of Ruth! Crazy times. I know most of the Australian blogosphere have jumped ship in favour of Facebook and Twitter and whatever, but I was blogging long before it was cool and no doubt I'll be beating this horse long after it's dead, too.

So: did you all miss me or what?

2008-05-19T00:50:00.008+10:00

A few years back, I did a post about my favourite Firefox add-ons. The interwebs, and the ways we use browsers, have changed so much since then, I thought it was worth revisiting.

I'm still a big fan of many I nominated back then — FoxyTunes, ForecastFox and Flashblock are still favourites.

Some newer ones I like are:

Download Statusbar. The download window in Firefox isn't a massive annoyance, but it's still a bit unwieldy. Who wants pop-up windows in this 2.0, tab-browsing age? I want everything I'm using on my screen, and I want it NOW, Daddy. Anyway, the add-on sticks the download into a little status bar at the bottom of the browser, and is really customisable. There are a zillion add-ons to help manage downloads, but this one does everything I need...
... except one thing — PDF Download gives a few extra options for viewing/downloading PDFs. I usually use Google's 'View as HTML' function if I can, but when I can't, this stops my desktop being covered in automatically downloaded PDF files at the end of every day.
Video DownloadHelper. This is aimed at people looking to download YouTube videos, but I actually mainly use it on Myspace pages. Bands often don't enable the 'download' function for their songs, but even though the Myspace player gives the impression of streaming, the whole mp3 file is right there for you to grab with this add-on. Sorry, tight-arsed bands. If it's any consolation, I'll probably buy your album if your song makes it into high rotation onto my iTunes.
Hyperwords. I get insanely frustrated when I use another person's computer and they don't have all my preferred search engines in the top right-hand corner (especially Wikipedia, Dictionary.com and IMDB, although I have 15 all up). Going all the way to Wikipedia and searching there? Who does that anymore? This takes that impatience to the next level. You just double click text on the screen, and a pop-up menu allows you to search it in Google, Flickr, Myspace, Facebook, Google Maps, YouTube, Wikipedia, Dictionary.com and a heap more. You can hear it spoken aloud or translate it into another language. You can blog it, email it or Twitter it. And it doesn't even open up a new page — it all pops up in a little translucent box as part of the menu.
FaviconizeTab. This one isn't too special, but it lets you reduce a tab to the size of the page's Favicon (the little picture next to the URL on most sites these days). You can set it to work instantly for specific websites, and it can be useful at work if you don't want a page's title on display, if you're looking up porn or Seek or the workplace ombudsman or something.
Speaking of Favicons, my favourite browser theme is BlackX. It's sleek and simple, but the main reason I like it is because when you add a link to your bookmark toolbar (the bit between the URL bar and the tabs), it also shows the site's Favicon. If you delete all the text, then you end up with just the Favicon as the bookmark, and you can fit loads more in. That description probably made no sense. It looks like this:

What add-ons are you digging at the moment? If you commented on the original post back in the dark ages of 2005, what has changed since then? Are you still using IE? Seriously? Are you intellectually deficient in some way?

2008-03-29T01:14:00.002+11:00

For those who enjoyed (or continue to enjoy) the reviews of Babysitters Club Books here, you may also appreciate these two sites:

1. Blogger Beware: The Goosebumps Blog. Goosebumps was the Harry Potter series for youngsters when I was a kid - even kids who hated reading collected them. I'm not really sure why, in retrospect; I'm told the Harry Potter books are quite good, but Goosebumps weren't particularly engrossing or well-written - although I will admit 9-year-old Ruth did at least find several of them scary - but for whatever reason, you HAD to have them, and most kids also read the words inside. All the kids in my grade 3 class (or maybe just my table that year, which I cannot believe I still remember consisted of Lachlan, Rowan, Saskia, Kate and myself. Wow.) would bring all their Goosebumps books each day and stack them in a pile on our tables to... uhm, I don't know why. Show how many we had, I guess?

2. The Dairi Burger reviews Sweet Valley High. I never read a lot of the SVH books as a kid - I was generally too much of a tomboy to have ever been seen borrowing girly YA fiction books, but generally relished any of the trash my sister brought home - but the reviews are appropriately snarky and I'm sure many of you out there (both of you) did read them.

Apparently the SVH books are being re-released and updated, which is incredibly lame. YA fiction isn't generally of a very high standard, and it surely isn't THAT hard to find a moderately competent author to come up with new-ish storylines. Even R.L. Stine is apparently penning some new books.

2008-01-06T23:41:00.000+11:00

You guys, I may have found the greatest TV program EVER:

Rock of Love with Bret Michaels

It's like The Bachelor, but with the former lead singer of Poison and a bunch of hideous-yet-awesome trash bags.

POISON!

Michaels is everything you want in a washed-up rockstar — overweight, over-sexed, dumb as a post and still living off the one hit the band ever had. He can't go near any of the girls without copping a feel and engaging them in a sloppy snog. As Tommy Lee would say, he's sauteed in wrong sauce.

The girls are, of course, all "in love" with him, and frequently declare themselves as such. Michaels laps it up then sticks his tongue in their mouths.

Highlights include:

"What kind of a dumb bitch gets a guy's name tattooed on her neck for her first tattoo and she’s not even technically dating him? This bitch has lost her fucking mind."
"Here’s the thing with Heather, and I call it 'pole emotions', right? And by 'pole emotions', I mean, can I get her off that pole and get her onto my pole? It's a big, big thought going through my mind right now."
When telling a girl that she hasn't been eliminated, Michaels says, "Will you stay and continue to rock my world?"

But the BEST bit? In the end, he can't pick between the final two girls... so he asks them to share him.

It's so good. SO good. It's currently airing on VH1. Watch.

2007-12-06T22:20:00.000+11:00

Excuse my lack of activity of late, it's been a busy month.

Anyhoo, I should announce the answers to the three-second musical challenge:

1. Alphaville - Big in Japan
2. Big Star - September Girls
3. East 17 - It’s Alright
4. Heart - Barracuda
5. KRS One - Sound of Da Police
6. Richard Berry & the Pharaohs - Have Love Will Travel
7. Zombies - Time of the Season
8. God - My Pal
9. The Veronicas - Revolution
10. Smog - Cold Blooded Old Times
11. New Pornographers - All For Spinning You Around
12. Del Shannon - Runaway
13. Genghis Khan - Moscow
14. The Knife - Heartbeats
15. Harvey Danger - Flagpole Sitta
16. The Thrills - One Horse Town
17. Helmet - Unsung
18. 13th Floor Elevators - You're Gonna Miss Me
19. T-Spoon - Sex on the Beach
20. The Survivor Theme

And the winner(s), with only six correct (plus two half points) is Team Wishlist. Second place was a tie between Supermercado Adam and Desci with four each. Third place goes to Fluffy with three.

Half-arsed, effort, guys. But, you know, thanks for entering!

Interesting facts: The most guessed was Flagpole Sitta. NO ONE got The Veronicas! Are you all retarded? Desci tells me that the Survivor theme is in fact a Russian folk song. So there you go.

As always, the winners get mix CDs, as does anyone else who wants one. This time, I will also be chucking in some mystery magazines from my place of work for the winners. Be excited, folks, we put out some TOP publications. Including a titty calendar. Seriously. Just send me your mailing address (even if I've sent you one before. I keep no records).

ALSO, the final Howard blog post is up! Sad, but also happy.

2007-11-18T20:30:00.000+11:00

Illustrated Adventures of Ruth

Also, you can submit your answers for the Three-second musical challenge. No one has done very well yet, so you could still win.

2007-11-12T20:59:00.000+11:00

Now, I enjoy a good election campaign as much as the next person*, but there is one thing I hate about Australian elections: around this time during every campaign, we see endless media coverage of slack-jawed 'swinging' voters mumbling about their indecision and how they're "just lookin' out for me family".

Partially it annoys me that so much attention is given to stupid, stupid bogans trying to sound informed instead of, you know, actually informed people who have managed to make up their minds over the last three years. But mostly, I get annoyed that EVERY election, almost EVERY swinging voter shown on TV says something along the lines of:

"Awwww, I dunno... I might vote for X, but awww, I haven't heard nuffing about their policies, 'n that. Like, I'm not sure they have any policies, ya know?"

No, fuckwits, I don't. Because ALL OF THE PARTIES HAVE POLICIES. They're not classified documents. Even if the media don't cover them extensively (and they do cover at least the major parties' announcements quite well. We get the Hun at work and even they cover the election pretty well [not quite as comprehensively as they cover football, but still]), THEY ALL HAVE THEIR POLICIES ON THEIR WEBSITES. Even if they didn't, I'm sure you could call your a party's local office and they'd probably send you out a lovely glossy booklet detailing everything the party stands for.

If one of the swingers said something like, "I actually don't give a fuck about politics. I'll make my mind up on the day", then fine. But I HATE when people pretend to be interested and informed and then act like it's someone else's fault they can't put a coherent political thought together. It's really not THAT hard to find out where various parties stand on particular issues that matter to you and make your fucking mind up:

1. Decide what you believe in and want for yourself and the country

2. Read these:

Labor

Liberals

Greens

Democrats

Family First

Citizen's Electoral Council

Fred Nile Group

Democratic Labour Party

One Nation

Pauline's United Australia Party

Socialist Alliance

3. Decide which policies best reflect your previously decided beliefs.

4. SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET OFF MY TV.

*provided the next person also has a degree in politics and enjoys going to election night parties more than their own birthday parties.

2007-10-31T22:38:00.000+11:00

WoooOOOooo, Halloween! Shit scared.

Here are some things for Halloween:

2007-10-28T23:40:00.000+11:00

ZOMG it's time for another Musical Challenge! It sure has been a while. This one is a bit of a mixed bag — there are some piss-easy ones right through to some I only expect a handful of you to get (prove me wrong, kids. Prove me wrong).

Rulez: the mp3 contains the first three seconds of twenty songs. See how many you can identify, and send your answers to "lineofcontempt AT gmail DOT com".

Here is the mp3 (right click and 'save as' [do we still need to say this? Are there people out there who don't understand this function yet?]).

Winners will be announced when I get bored. The prize will probably be a mix-CD, but I swear I'll actually send them out this time, unlike last time (I actually did make them, with covers and everything, I just never made it to the post office. Swears).

2007-09-24T23:35:00.000+10:00

After heading west for my weekend to the city of churches and serial killers, I have a controversial announcement to make:

Adelaide is a pretty cool city.

No, really! It's small and quiet(ish. Melbourne is hardly New York, you snobby fucks), but it's populated by lovely people and interesting things to see.

I thoroughly enjoyed Rundle St — it's like the whole city packed into the convenience of one street. At first I was a bit, "hmm, Cotton On, Borders, Myers, Supre - I may as well be in... any other city in the country", but then I happened across some more interesting places nestled in there as well.

One was a great independent record store called Big Star Records with a logo like the cover of #1 Record, which delighted me perhaps more than it should have.

Another was the Exeter Hotel, which could rival most rock pubs in Melbourne for levels of unaffected scungy cool. The bands there put on consistently great sets with no stage, a vocal PA and a near-capacity audience crammed into the sweaty front room — and the crowd actually danced and cheered and were excited, instead of crossing their arms and looking bored. Despite being in the heart of the city, the place hadn't been infiltrated by guys with their collars up, but there was a nice mix of people, who all had fun and didn't elbow each other in the head to get closer to the band or bar.

I don't really care for Coopers Sparkling or Pale Ale, but I did discover that Coopers Lager is lovely (and yes, I'm aware that they're big Liberal Party supporters, but you think the Fosters Group and Lion Nathan aren't padding Johnny's campaign funds?). I've always thought that drinking in airport bars is a bit tacky, but the vaguely-trendy-in-a-stainless-steel-way Coopers bar at Adelaide Airport was a quite enjoyable way to wait for my EXTREMELY DELAYED flight (fuck you, Branson).

Also, the cab drivers were lovely and knew where they were going.

I probably wouldn't live there, but I actually found it far more enjoyable than visiting Sydney. So naysayers, if you wish to deride an Australian city for being boring, I suggest you find a new one, as I have officially given Adelaide the thumbs up. I suggest Hobart.

2007-09-10T16:21:00.000+10:00

Oh. My. GOD.

Gladiators is returning!

I am embarrassingly excited about this. I'm also glad they're finding new Gladiators, because I met Flame at the Walk Against Want when I was a kid and she was a bitch to me.

2007-08-24T22:34:00.000+10:00

Exciting news: I discovered today that there is now a whole store of Cotton On undies! These are the BEST undies — they look awesome and they're super cheap.

I don't care if I look like everyone else, Cotton On is easily my favourite store in the history of anything.

That is all.

2007-08-18T19:53:00.000+10:00

I found this Facebook group (shut up, it's highly addictive) that kind of made me go "aww". It's basically just a list of memories from growing up in the 90s, but ah, so much came flooding back.

A selection:

You can sing the rap to "The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air" (I still can!)

You remember reading "Goosebumps" (We would bring them to school just to put on our desks and show off how many we had. I was terrified of the one about the ventriloquist's dummy)

You remember the craze, then the banning of slap bracelets and slam books. (Not to mention pop balls!)

You knew that Kimberly, the pink ranger, and Tommy, the green Ranger were meant to be together. When playing power rangers with friends you fought over who got to be who............and still all ended up being Tommy. (This is so sadly accurate)

You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates (I loved Eltham Roller City, with it's orange shag-pile walls and collection of bad cassingles)

You thought Brain woud finally take over the world (I still live in hope)

Hey Arnold.

Rugrats.

The Secret World of Alex Mac.

Ren & Stimpy.

Double Dare.

Rocco's Modern Life.

AAAHH!! REAL MONSTERS.

Are You Afraid of the Dark?

Doug.

Magic School Bus.

Dinosaurs.

Alladin.

Sailor Moon.

Blossom.

Hangin with Mr. Cooper.

Some classic pictures, too:

2007-07-28T19:35:00.000+10:00

Yay, I got a graphics tablet, so say welcome back to The Illustrated Adventures of Ruth!

(Uhm, I'm still pretty bad at writing with it)

2007-07-13T19:23:00.000+10:00

Hmm, looks like the AFP are really tackling the big issues:

Technology such as cloned part-robot humans used by organised crime gangs pose the greatest future challenge to police, along with online scamming, Australian Federal Police (AFP) Commissioner Mick Keelty says.

Time for a list:

Shut up, Mick Keelty, you fucking idiot;
Why would any newspaper anywhere — other than the Onion — publish this? There was nothing more newsworthy than the threat of cyborg criminals? NOTHING?
How did this story even come to their attention? Did the AFP put out a press release about this? Did some hardened but kind-hearted editor at the Brisbane Times step out into the newsroom, put his arm around a starry-eyed cadet and say, "I know you're new, but I like your moxy, kid. I want 800 words on the future of policing. Don't let me down, scoop!"?
Have the ridiculous amount of Second-Life articles gotten so out of hand that they've resorted to asking any old vaguely public figure for their opinion?
SHUT UP, Mick Keelty.

2007-07-13T16:25:00.000+10:00

Whenever I hear Joel from Big Brother, his voice always reminds me of John Howard. That big-lipped duck voiced thing. Anyway, I spent about 5 minutes in imovie making this:

2007-07-10T00:33:00.000+10:00

As a bass player, I feel this may be the greatest thing in the history of anything.

2007-07-06T18:42:00.000+10:00

So... The Howard Blog is back for a limited edition, pre-election run. Enjoy.

2007-06-20T20:28:00.000+10:00

Woot, Aunty has gone all l33t with a web 2.0 interface:

... except how it's totally ugly and I don't see a point to 'tagging' news items.

Maybe they should have explored some other options:

2007-06-15T22:32:00.000+10:00

As I am now a fully-fledged adult office worker with sensible shoes, a filing cabinet and an AWA, I've been privy to many exciting insights into the cubicle-y defined universe of the white-collar shill:

The bittersweet experience of savouring your lunch break in the local suburban food court (will it be Abrakebabs, Noodle Box or a salad from Coles today? Multiculturalism is alive and well at Brandon Park Centro, my friends); 30-message-long group email discussions about what pub to drown our sorrows in after we're released; and birthday party after leaving party after someone's-getting-married party after $2 cake special at Coles party.

BUT. My favourite discovery is about the caffeine-fueled madness that takes over come midday. As I previously didn't get out of bed before this time, I had no idea how exhausting sitting in front of a computer all day can be. No, really. It's hard! And out in the middle of southeastern nowhere, chained to typewriters like the monkeys that we are, there aren't many options for a caffeine fix at this desperate time. There's your generic industrial-zone takeaway stores that sell three-day-old unidentifiable deep-fried yellow stuff, languishing all day in a salmonella-tastic bain marie, and polystyrene cups of "expreso" that looks about as appetising. Or you can opt for some work-place-provided, hot Nescafe Blend 43 action.

OR you can have one of these:

Inexplicably known as 'coffee pods' in my workplace, these sachets mix with water to create a sickly-sweet, falsely-frothy Gloria Jeans-style (minus the Jesus love) mug of sugar and caffeine rush that keeps you awake for the next half hour. As a card-carrying coffee snob, I would normally baulk at this sort of thing, but long hours and desperation make Ruth something something, and I now keep a large supply of the things in my desk. But come 12pm, twitching faces start appearing over my powder-blue cubicle divider.

"Hey.. uh.. you got coffee pods, man? I'm good for it, I swear..."
"I dunno, I got nothing in return for the last one."
"BUT I NEED IT!"

Like cigarettes to a desperate prisoner, coffee pods are the major source of office currency in the latter half of the day. Favours and food can be extracted in exchange for one hit of vanilla or hazelnut flavoured goodness. Some jittering writers are even reduced to chasing for the watery 'lite' version. After discovering an empty box in my drawer, I was forced to settle for something called 'chocolate mocha' the other day.

Don't judge me. I'm a slave to The Man.

2007-05-26T00:13:00.001+10:00

I knew something was bothering me about David Hicks, but I could never pin point it... until watching The King last week (shit, by the way), and I finally worked out what it was:

DAVID HICKS IS DARREN STARK.

Hello, telemovie producers (shut up, as if you're not already planning it), I want some sort of cut when you inevitably hire him for the role.

2007-05-19T20:05:00.000+10:00

When I used to work in the pub, the golden rule was don't discuss politics or religion. For the most part, I was pretty good at sticking to it — despite common perceptions, I actually don't even usually enjoy arguing about those things, I'd rather a robust debate over Big Brother or beer preference.

However, there was one topic that used to really get me fired up: John. Fucking. So.

"Oh, I love John So, he's just great!" Some twat-faced moll would giggle.
"Really, why?"
"He's so funny and cute!"

Erm, ok. There's a few problems I have with this. Firstly, it's incredibly patronising, and verging on racist. The whole personality cult has been built around an "Aww, he's so cute, with his attempts to navigate Australian culture and pronunciation! Me rikey verrry much! Ah so! Ahahaha!" attitude. Like high-fiving the special needs kid after he comes last in a race.

Secondly, none of these "John So, he's my Bro!" morons actually know anything about the guy beyond the embarrassing stereotype. Not least of all, his fairly shitty politics. They don't know any of the guy's policies or what he's actually done while in office.

Thirdly, the whole thing has been completely manufactured, and rate-payers have footed the bill. Four years ago, So was dropping in the polls, because he was stereotyped as not being able to speak English properly. Instead of battling these biases, the council hired an extra PR person (they already have one) and played on the stereotype to create the image of the aforementioned adorably clueless China-man. To their credit, they've pulled it off extremely well, but it's embarrassing that people unknowingly paid for it, and then ate it up with a spoon.

So I'm glad that it's starting to gain some press, but it's a bit retarded that people never bothered to do this research of their own volition, happily buying into the personality cult that they paid for.

2007-05-04T23:35:00.000+10:00

You know, just because your mobile phone plays music, it doesn't give you some special right to blast that music through the bus or tram. WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME? Every day, some new idiot on public transport decides to subject me to the horrors of their music collection. They're not showing a friend, or having a joke, they just sit there casually staring out the window whilst blasting crappy polyphonic rnb with all the audio quality of Madge Bishop croaking through an artificial voice box.

Please don't do this. It's annoying enough having to listen to the bus driver's choice of Magic FM or 3AW, but they at least have some claim over what we should be listening to. Why do people think they can dictate what the entire bus listens to, pretending not to notice the disgruntled looks and eye-rolls of the other passengers? Seriously, SO many people do this on public transport now. STOP IT. Buy some headphones, for fuck's.

2007-04-07T00:38:00.000+10:00

Best of V Fest @ Sidney Myer Music Bowl 04/04/07

Just after arriving in Vietnam last month, I got an SMS from my mother asking if I wanted ticket to the Pixies. If you know my mum (and you probably don't, but if you did), you'll understand how amazing it is that she was aware of any band formed in the last 25 years. Somehow she'd heard me speak of them, noticed a Ticketek email notifying her of the show and bought a couple of General Admission seats for us. Now, had I been in the country, I'd a) have bought the best seats available, and b) realised that the Pixies had later announced a side-show, and sold the Branson-fest ticket on eBay to buy new ones. However, I wasn't in the country, and mum was a champ for getting us anything at all (Mummy reads this blog sometimes. Feel free to praise her for being so in-touch with alternative music in the comments. That would excite her).

So anyway, I rushed home from work as quickly as possible to get to this little festival, but arrived towards the end of Phoenix. I'm told the New York Dolls played first, so it's a bit shit to have missed that, but I don't finish work until 6, and I work ages away, so that just wasn't happening. I'd heard a bit of Phoenix's stuff on the radio, and wasn't very impressed, so I spent that time going to the (surprisingly nice and plentiful) toilets and purchasing soggy, overpriced chips. After discovering that pretty much the entire GA area was a bit shit, we found a decent spot on top of the hill, where we weren't close, but could see the entire stage.

Jarvis Cocker was fun — he's a funny guy, and whilst we couldn't see his stage antics so well, it was a good set and his voice is every bit as good in real life. The chick behind me sang along REALLY LOUDLY. I didn't pay $100 to hear you sing, bitch. He finished with a rousing rendition of Cunts are Still Running the World, to which I did abide some singing along, because it's fun to say naughty words.

After that, the crowd started to actually pay attention. Forget this "Best of" bullshit, we were all there to see the Pixies, and no one was pretending otherwise. It's usually crap when people say this, but seriously, the anticipation in the crowd was palpable. Some people had been waiting over 20 years for this, and most thought they'd never get to see the band. Sure, it's a all a little 'after the fact', but better late than never.

First impressions: Joey Santiago has lost a lot of weight (not since the band's heyday, but he was getting chunky there through those Martinis days), and Kim Deal... hasn't. But, you know, she's Kim Deal, and if Kim Deal wants to get fat, she freaking well can.

They opened with Bone Machine, and whilst I can't recall the entire set off the top of my head, definite highlights were Frank Black's raspy shout-whispers in Gouge Away, the ultimate shout-along track Hey, the sweet strains of Caribou which Frank nailed as pitch-perfect as the album, Santiago's Spinal Tap-esque guitar solo on Vamos, and the head-banging fun of U-Mass. Like Desci, the only song that was missing for me was Alec Eiffel, but I'd read some of their recent set lists, and wasn't expecting it.

Possibly the best bit of the entire night came early when Frank stopped Monkey Gone to Heaven half way through to yell at people for bouncing giant beach balls around. It was great because they were V-Fest balls provided by the festival to make a shoddily-run 4-band event look like Lollapalooza, or something. "I'm sorry, but the Pixies don't do beach balls," he announced. I later saw Virgin staff covertly deflating them behind a stall. They then had a long, hilarious discussion about where exactly in the song they'd left off, and had to try several times before getting it right.

Initially, I'd been a little under whelmed by having to stand so far away, but after a while, I realised I was standing in the nicest gardens in Melbourne, watching possibly my favourite band in the world, with the gleaming city skyline illuminating the whole event. Being in the thick of the action up the front would've been great, I'll admit, but there's few other bands you could still enjoy from that far away.

The festival itself was, naturally enough, rubbish. It was over-priced, swimming in ads and logos, and I hated giving that lame old sleaze my money. But the Pixies were great. I don't care if they're getting bald and fat and if their best days are behind them. Their songs are still SO much better than anything that's been produced since, and frankly, who can blame them for cashing in a bit, given their star has risen considerably since they broke up.

Hooray for the good music prevailing over evil corporate shit.

2007-03-31T22:47:00.000+10:00

When I got a real job and became an adult earlier this year, I had delusions of starting up a separate music blog, since I had recovered my weekends and the opportunity to see live music and rediscover what hip and happening bands to which the kids of Melbourne were grooving. It took less than a week to discover that my new found adulthood hadn't made me any less lazy in regards to blog posting. Boo. On the upside, I now own pantyhose and an organiser.

Anyway, I figured I should try to integrate a bit more music writing into this blog, at the very least. Just, you know, don't expect big things (case in point, I started the following review a week ago. Good start, Ruth.)

Helmet @ The Hi Fi 29/03/07

I've never really thought of Helmet as a metal band. There's elements of it, sure, but there's also elements of post-punk, indie, and stoner rock that always seemed more pronounced to me; more Big Black than Borzum. But the Hi Fi was billing this as a metal show, and there were an awful lot of metal heads and bogans in the audience. Maybe it's just my own naivety, but I was expecting a more indie/alternative/grungy crowd than the shirtless deros I got stuck next to. Perhaps I should have gone to the Corner show the night before.

Speaking of, I hadn't been to a show at the Hi Fi for ages, and this completely reminded me why. It's pretty much devoid of any character, they don't have beer on tap (and the beer they do have is Tooheys), and call me a grouch, but I'll be pretty happy when the smoking ban comes in and I don't have to choke down other people's ash whenever I want to see a band.

The supports for the night, I believe, were Black Level Embassy and The Nation Blue, but I skipped out because BLE were always a disappointment after Warped (and peaked as the Spod backing band, which is saying a lot), and TNB... I just have no interest in.

Helmet's lineup for this tour only includes one original band member, Page Hamilton, with the other slots being filled by a couple of ring-ins and some local guitarist with a bad bleach job, who ran around the stage and played the rockstar waaay too much for someone who's, you know, not even in the band. So it wasn't quite like seeing Helmet of old, but they had a great mix, with that distinctive thundering bass and squealing, early-90s guitar bleeding in over the top. It may not have really been Helmet, but it sure sounded like them.

Flanked by Unsung and In The Meantime, it was pretty much the crowd-pleasing Meantime and Betty hits-fest you'd expect, but I'm not complaining, as the new stuff they played was a bit rubbish. Highlights were Wilma's Rainbow (just because it's a favourite), and when Hamilton identified a guy in the front row as having been at the show the night before, and requesting Speechless repeatedly, and playing it just for this guy. I've never seen anyone dance (or, you know, jump around and bang his head and such) harder than this guy, and I hadn't listened to this song in years.

Other good bits: The drummer wearing a Lord of the Fries t-shirt; the security guards throwing caution to the wind and jumping and dancing to the music; the six-song encore.

Other bad bits: The drummer taking off his Lord of the Fries t-shirt. Seriously drummers, stop doing this; sweaty bogans; the crowd booing and swearing when Hamilton mentioned Daniel Johns has one of his guitars. The fuck? I don't particularly like Silverchair either, but like you're so discerning there in your Anthrax t-shirts; on the other hand, Page Hamilton also rambled a lot of crap in between songs.

Ultimately, it was a really fun show with lots of songs that reminded me of being 16. $50 was a lot of money to see ONE actual member of the band, but I've paid more for worse shows before. Shame about the crowd, venue, and beer prices, though

2007-03-26T22:39:00.000+10:00

About the only unpleasant thing about early Sunday afternoon in the laneway was an ill-fated decision to bring in a local poet named Grant off Brunswick Street to read a little before each Laneway Stage band went on.

HAH. Even Pitchfork hates Grant the street poet.

GOOD.

2007-03-15T00:06:00.000+11:00

Whenever I come across a restaurant/pub/bar menu that has a vegie burger, I must order it. I love vegie burgers, and am always on the lookout for a good one. Sometimes I don't even feel like a vegie burger, but what if it was an awesome vegie burger, and I didn't try it, and then I'd never know.

The thing that makes me like them so much, is that a good vegie burger is hard to find. Lots of chefs seem to think that vegetarian = healthy, so they make them out of wholemeal, lentil, alf-alfa crap. This is wrong. A good vegie burger is a bit greasy and is dripping in sauce and cheese. If I wanted to eat a healthy meal, I'd order one. When I order a freaking burger, chances are I feel like junk. Which brings me to the second reason I love vegie burgers, which is because they always come with chips. At most pubs and cafes, carnivores have loads of options for something a bit junky - fish and chips, chicken parma, steak sandwich, etc. But the "vegetarian option" is always some shitty focaccia or a vegetable stack involving grilled eggplant, capsicum, mushrooms, and spinach swimming in a napoli sauce (seriously, do they teach this at culinary school? It's everywhere, and it never tastes good). Yawn. SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE CHIPS WITH MY MEAL TOO, OK?

Tonight I went to the Town Hall, and I didn't feel like a vegie burger, but damnit, there was one on the menu and it wasn't getting away. I should have read more carefully. A spiced pumpkin and lentil patty? Yuck.

Another place with bad vegie burgers is Fitzroy's Vegie Bar. They have four different burgers, and they're all rubbish. How can actual vegetarians get it so wrong?

Good vegie burgers can be found at:

The Retreat in Brunswick
Grill'd, which just opened up on Brunswick St. Yes, it's a chain. Yes, the staff are wankers. But they have two great burgers (maybe a third, I haven't tried it)
The Napier's Tofu Sanga. Not technically a burger, but it's so good it needs a mention. It's nachos in a burger!
Hungry Jacks. Shock! Junk Food! Whatever, this is a good burger, and you know it. It tastes even better at 4am.

Here is my recipe for a good vegie burger:

Mash up a can of chick peas (I know - healthy. But you can't taste them, and they provide the perfect texture);
Grate a carrot and a zucchini into the mix;
Throw in some peas;
Break in an egg and a little bit of flour to make it all stick together;
Mix that shit up and chuck it in the fridge;
Fry the fuckers in some oil;
Serve on a big, soft fuck-off bun with melted cheese, fried onion, salad-y stuff, and tomato sauce.

2007-03-09T20:32:00.000+11:00

You know what's wrong with the Australian version of The Biggest Loser (apart from the fact that Bob and Jillian are gone and that it's on every. fucking. night.)? It's that they don't choose people who will be good looking once they get thin. The whole fun of the show is seeing fat people become hot, and the Americans get that right. Even in great shape, the current contestants will end up, at best, as a bunch of ugly, middle-aged mothers and fathers who have great abs. BORING.

Why do Australian television producers struggle so much to make decent reality TV?

2007-03-07T21:26:00.000+11:00

So I know I said I'd do a bit of travel blogging, but it turns out that Blogger is blocked in most of Vietnam, so you'll have to do with a quick retrospective on the trip.

Ho Chi Minh City

As mentioned, we landed smack bang in the middle of Tet. The city was awash with ugly pig decorations, which I loved.

We went on a particularly horrible tourist trap tour of the Mekong, which involved a very large lunch. Unfortunately, they didn't understand "vegetarian" and we didn't have a phrasebook. The result was this all-fish meal...

Nha Trang

Nha Trang is a beachy tourist town, which is great if you like beaches and the stupid Americans, but I don't. We did go to a cool place called the Crazy Kim Bar which is a bar run to raise money to combat pedophiles in Nha Trang and teach street kids Enlgish. Unfortunately, they teach the kids too well, and the little buggers absolutely fleeced us selling crappy postcards with their fake doe-eyes, salesmanship and Connect-4 skills.

The next day we went to see a Buddhist pagoda with this huge-arse Buddhe statue on a hill and we got fleeced again. First by the "orphans" who lived at the temple (they were in their 30s) showing us around "for free" then bailing us up for MORE crapppy postcards, then by a 55 year-old "orphan" who insisted we donate even more money.

I must have "sucker" written on my forehead.

Danang

We went to Danang to stay for a few days with some family friends of kartar's. It's not a touristy place, but it was nice to be somewhere where our presence was a novelty and not an annoyance, and where people said "hello" without trying to sell us something.

Hoi An

Hoi An is known for two things: tailors and cooking courses. The town is pretty much entirely cloth shops and restaurants, which suited me just fine, because I love cheap clothes and food (we'd bought a phrasebook by this stage). After some false starts, we found a good tailor who made us many nice, cheap clothes and was constantly buzzing around offering us food and drink.

We did a cooking course at a place called the Blue Dragon Restaurant which raises money for the Blue Dragon Foundation which helps disadvantaged kids and families. We discovered how stupidly easy it is to make fresh and fried spring rolls and a bunch of other Vietnamese dishes.

Hue

We spent most of the time in Hue exploring the old citadel, museums and the Imperial Palace. Most of it was completely destroyed in the war, but the parts that are left are pretty awesome.

Hanoi

Are you still reading? This is the last city. Hanoi was a fun city just to wander round and look at things - the bizarre shops in the old quarter...

monuments....

and sample all the amazing food...

It was great to visit KOTO after reading about it for so long here

It's also pretty crowded and full-on, and the one place the cops had to exercise some control over the traffic, lest it all descend into anarchy.

We also took a day trip to Halong Bay on a slightly less tourist-trap tour than the first one. Our tour guide looked bored out of his mind, but we still managed some fun sailing around the islands and looking in the caves.

THE END

2007-02-18T20:57:00.000+11:00

Today is our third and final day in Ho Chi Minh City. We did our best to organise our journey so we would miss Tet, but somehow we failed and arrived here smack in the middle of it. On the one hand, it has been fun to watch the thousands of Vietnamese people who have descencded on the city ring in the new year, but on the other, I get a little selfishly annoyed that very little is open and we're going to miss seeing some sights here.

The local currency is called "dong" and as yet, I have not heard the word once without giggling like a Japanese school girl. I have not seen any of the Japanese school girls who are holidaying here giggle at the word yet.

One of the ways the Vietnamese celebrate the new year is by burning paper money so their ancestors will be wealthy in the afterlife. I find it interesing that in a socialist country, everyone considers the afterlife to have a capitalist economy. What are their ancestors buying there, anyway?

This year is the year of the pig, which is supposed to be a good year for marriage and babies. BBC Asia tells me that condom sales have so far dropped by 20 per cent. The city is filled with huge, tacky ceramic pigs, which I have been photographing at every opportunity. My Vietnamese phrasebook has no word for "kitsch". I will post a montage of pig photos on my return.

Speaking of books, in addition to bootleg DVDs and CDs, there is a great market for bootleg books here. They photocopy the pages and cover and do a fairly top job of binding. However, they mainly stock Dan Brown novels. Even at $1US, I'm not that desperate for a bargain.

Anyway. Most things are closed for the New Year today, so we're just lounging around drinking 333 beer and cocktails. Yes, it's hard slumming it in a third world country, but we're doing our best.

2007-02-15T11:13:00.000+11:00

Yes, I'm going to be one of those annoying people who posts a travel blog. Deal with it.

It's 8:10am at Singapore airport. I've spent the last three hours sleeping on the floor whilst kartar watches That 70s Show. I woke up to find a group of army guys carrying MP-5 submachine guns circling us. Easy to forget this place is a police state - the whole airport is a hideous spew green and full of minature rainforests of plastic flowers. I will post a picture of me on a fake bridge over an artificial koi pond when I find a usb outlet. But by far the most oppresive part of this regime is the terrible muzak they blast you with constantrly. It. Never. Stops. No matter where I go in this plastic jungle, I can't get away from it.

2007-02-12T21:09:00.000+11:00

from Toothpaste for Dinner

Sorry, Kartar, but... heh.

2007-02-10T14:05:00.000+11:00

Fat bogan woman in the deli section of the supermarket today, pushing a toddler in the trolley. The deli chick passes whatever they have bought to the toddler sitting in the trolley.

Bogan mum: What do we say?
Bogan toddler: *mumbles*
Bogan mum: WHAT DO WE SAY
Bogan toddler: *mumbles*
Bogan mum: We say "TA". Say "ta"!
Bogan toddler: Ta-aa
Bogan mum to deli chick: Sorry, I'm tryin' to teach her to say "ta"

Whatever happened to "thank you"? Whilst I'm aware of the social and economic issues involved, it bothers me when children aren't given a fighting chance of learning correct English.

2007-02-06T20:57:00.000+11:00

Whilst I don't condone defaming people on the internet, and the people on both sides of the argument are fairly stupid, coming across this comments thread made me laugh and laugh.

You say you are a man! You are not a man if you can't list your real name. You are a little boy. You are a girly man. Everything you have said I have proved wrong. Everything! You are an Idiot when it comes to the martial arts and you act like a little girl. You are the whimpiest type of person in the world. Some one who can't put their name on the line. You tried to mess with the KICKS name and mine but you can't list yours becuase you know you are dead wrong.
I am 100% The Real Deal and you are a whimp!
The Teacher your class is over!

Stan Marsh? More like Stan DARSH!

Flame wars are great.

Sweep the leg, Johnny!

2007-02-03T16:55:00.000+11:00

Young indie kids on the tram yesterday as we passed the Royal Exhibition Building:

Indie kid 1: Heh, one of my friends pissed on that building. I was like, 'Dude, that place is heritage listed!'... I don't know what the place is called, but I know it's heritage listed
Indie kid 2: Yeah, it looks like a place where like... an old person would live

2007-01-26T03:14:00.000+11:00

Hooray, I got my first real adult job!

Now that I'm all grown up and shit, I feel like I should take out life insurance or discuss interest rates or something. Here are some other adult things I may do:

Write a will
Make a "uuugh" sound when I get up out of a chair
Read a newspaper on the toilet
Wear matching socks
Cross at the traffic lights in case children are watching
Write a letter to the Green Guide complaining about all the sexual ads on Channel V
Buy a "sensible" pair of shoes
Drink wine that doesn't come in a box
Have a nice cuppa tea and a bickey
Catch up with friends for breakfast before 12pm
Stop giggling at the word "organism"
Watch a BBC drama series
Purchase a cardigan
Stop answering the phone with "Hello, Skeletor speaking"

What other exciting things do I have to look forward to?

2007-01-11T04:13:00.000+11:00

I found this article (via here) to be really interesting. I'd never come across the stereotype that boys are supposed to be better at maths and science than girls. At my school, few boys openly showed any interest in either field for (a legitimate) fear of having the shit beaten out of them. If anything, I remember girls being expected to be more diligent students in both fields than their male counterparts.

Growing up, I loved the idea of studying science - mixing chemicals, making explosions, having crazy hair. Most previous generations on my father's side have been doctors or scientists, and my interest was encouraged. But I learned to hate science when I got to high school. Boring methodology reports, inane experiments, and foul-smelling teachers. By year 10, I spent most science lessons sitting in the corridor, where I had been sent for my "disruptive behaviour". But I never recall attributing this to my gender. I knew I could have done well in science, I just didn't care enough. I managed to get through both years of VCE without doing one maths or science subject.

Did anyone encounter this stereotype growing up? Does anyone agree with it?

2006-12-11T21:11:00.000+11:00

The delightful M. (who has a new blog you should probably check out) has requested that I write a guide to pub and bar patronage. Specifically, how to not piss off bartenders, and possibly even endear yourself to them (but don't count on it).

Firstly, a disclaimer: This is all my own opinion, and your mileage may vary. I've been a bartender for three years, which is probably longer than many, but shorter than most. I'm an incredibly judgemental person and don't particularly enjoy my job, so many bartenders may not get as annoyed by certain customer traits and activities as I do. But still, befriending a bartender has its rewards, and pissing one off can get you booted and embarrassed, so just trust that I at least have some insight into this stuff.

On with the list:

Don't try to befriend the bartender. "How's your night been?" is a fine, if kind of inane question, but anything beyond that can grate. Just because you overhear the bartender's name, don't try to use it to their face. Excessive compliments, personal questions, and attempts at "in" jokes all reek of a try-hard. Some do it for free drinks and some do it because they think it makes them cool. Either way, it won't really piss a bartender off, but it will make us laugh at you behind your back.
Don't click, whistle, or wave money at us. It is our job to see when you need another drink. A simple eye-brow-raise is totally sufficient. I'm sure you're aware that clicking and whistling at people is very rude in any other circumstance, and this one is no exception.
"Do you guys take EFTPOS?" - not a fucking hard question. Ask this before you order. Because the bar may not. Or the machine may be broken. Or they may have a minimum spend. We don't want to babysit your drinks while you go off to beg friends for money or find an ATM.
SAY "PLEASE". For fuck's sake, say "please". It's just rude not to. We have the right to refuse service, and happily will if you refuse this basic courtesy.
Bring your empty glasses back to the bar. You don't have to, but it's lovely when you do.
Don't bitch if the bar doesn't have a particular drink. They just don't. The bartender can't materialise Bundie or Malibu just because you're a bogan. They don't serve it for a reason.
Know your order. People who spend ages trying to get your attention, then when asked what they want, go, "uhm, well I'll have a beer... uh... what do you want, Gav? GAV? Oh, uhm, and a scotch and coke, and... uh... guys, where is Kelly? Does anyone know what she wants? Just hold on a sec, mate.... uhm... anyone else want anything? Sam? Frank?" are the worst customers. Worse than people who don't say "please". It's rude to us and rude to the people who are waiting for you to hurry the fuck up.
Wait your turn. The bartender knows who's next. Most importantly, don't just shout your order at the bartender while they're in the middle of another order. That kind of shit will earn you another five minutes of waiting.
Once the beer has come out of the tap or the wine out of the bottle, you can't change your order. We can't pour it back up the tap, dickhead.
Let the bar know when you break a glass. We don't care that you broke it, we do it all the time (me especially), but we do care when you leave it there for your stupid friends who are wearing thongs or have taken their shoes off to step on. It's a liability issue.
If your friend has been cut off, don't try to buy him/her more drinks. They were cut off because the bartenders are trying to look after them, not to stop them having a good time. Look after your mates, or you'll get kicked out yourself. You're not doing them any favours by buying them more booze when they're barely standing.

That's all I can think of for now.

2006-11-26T22:38:00.000+11:00

Idol blogging

Sam: Who's your tip for Idol?
Ruth: Uhm...
Ruth: Jess
Sam: I think Damien
Sam: I have no clue, though
Sam: Last year I thought Emily would win
Ruth: I kind of... don't care
Ruth: But I always feel that by the end of Idol, all the trainwrecks are gone and the winner become moot
Sam: Exactly, Idol fatigue
Sam: I only care because I tipped Damien in our office tipping contest, lol
Ruth: Kartar says he's sad Bobby didn't win
Ruth: "It's good when a tard gets up"
Sam: That would have been MADNESS
Ruth: I think he misses making his "tard face" more
Sam: Speaking of Jameses, I've decided I like Andrew more now
Sam: I'm tired of James's slackjawed, hand in pocket, bored hosting
Ruth: True
Ruth: Though "gay lick" club was gold
Sam: No that was STUPID
Sam: That annoyed me
Sam: I'm so tired of Idol's gay jokes
Sam: Pick on another minority!
Ruth: True
Ruth: But I enjoy the idea that they're so over this program they're pretty much willing to risk their jobs for self-amusement
Sam: Heh, that's true
Ruth: Yech. Group-sings are so... brady bunch variety hour
Sam: I agree
Sam: But I kinda like them, lol
Sam: They're so unironically lame
Sam: It's a delicious trainwreck
Ruth: Yes, because I like imagining how embarrased the "cooler" members must be
Ruth: Man, I'd forgotten half these people existed
Sam: Word... Reagen who?
Sam: I'm going to review the live show for work this year, I hope
Ruth: Ooh
Sam: I asked the head of gigs if I could go and she said yes, haha
Sam: Lisa's shorts/stockings combo offends me
Ruth: Her voice offends me
Ruth: And that mole/frekle above her lip
Sam: Mark Holden's white suit offends me
Sam: I know it's a callback to his youth
Sam: But...
Sam: Blech
Ruth: Yeah, he's overdone the callbacks to his youth though
Ruth: It's like, ok Mark, you had ONE song and wore bad suits and carnations
Ruth: We get it
Ruth: You were famous once
Ruth: "Thanks guys, you've been great.... NOW GET THE FUCK OFF THE STAGE, LOSERS"
Sam: GODDAMMIT ANOYTHER BREAK AAARKHLSFGLKSAKLJFGJKLDSFJKLDSJKFDSKJ
Ruth: I wish they'd bring back Dicko
Ruth: It would be such a different show if he'd never left
Sam: Dicko was the best judge of the four they've had
Sam: Too bad he got too big for his boots
Sam: I don't mind Kyle
Ruth: I mind Kyle
Ruth: Occasionally he smacks a contestant down, but I don't rate his opinion
Ruth: He bags people for the sake of it
Ruth: You can almost hear his thoughts going "Hmm, I'd like to be on the promos this week"
Sam: Verdict time
Ruth: Bah
Ruth: Jess could've made a solid Idol album
Ruth: What's Damien going to do with a bunch of crappy pop songs?
Ruth: This song rots
Ruth Good for the over-30 crowd, I guess
Ruth: They can put it on the stereo of their 4wd during trips to Ikea

2006-11-13T00:42:00.000+11:00

Goodbye final essay!

Goodbye gender studies students!

Goodbye hippy cafe that I never went to!

Goodbye Laptop Losers!

Goodbye law students who weren't smart enough to get into Melbourne Uni!

Goodbye dodgy medical center that was closed the only time I needed it!

Goodbye hateful cafe staff!

Goodbye scary ducks who attack me!

GOODBYE UNIVERSITY!

2006-11-01T03:23:00.000+11:00

Like most good Australians, Halloween fills me with me with lots of fist-shaking, "Damn American imperialism" ranting. There's just something about the sight of a few little kids in lazy costumes dragging their disinterested parents to their disinterested neighbour's houses to be told, "Oh, uhm, Halloween, uhm... maybe I have something in the fridge..." that annoys me. I think it's because I was once one of those little kids. You see, I don't actually hate Halloween at all. I enjoy people who put effort into clever costumes, and I enjoy blood capsules, and I enjoy zombies and ghosts and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I just think Australians are far too lazy to get Halloween right. It needs that American craziness and enthusiasm and desire to go overboard on every freaking thing that they do. It sure would be cool to make a super-inventive costume and deck the house out like a haunted mansion and let kids inside so they wet their pants and then have the house smell like wee for the next year, but... eh. I can't be fucked. Over-the-top enthusiasm is something I enjoy about Americans, because it is the reason God gave us Jerry Springer and Tom Cruise, and I am very thankful for this. I don't wish to be a part of that culture, but I enjoy observing it from afar. And so, in tribute to America and their crazy celebration that celebrates nothing in particular, here is a special list for Halloween:

The Wikipedia article on Halloween is a good place to start if you know little about the origins of this holiday. Did you know that it's a public holiday in Ireland? And that the most popular Halloween costumes in America are witch, pirate, vampire, cat, and clown? True!
Here is a jack-o-lantern of Alan Turing, who is apparently the father of modern computer science
Halloween Chick Tract. The kid is named Buffy. And it features my favourite Chick character, Little Susie and her enourmous soapbox perched upon a high horse. Her grandfather is Basil St John. I love you, Jack Chick.
1986 film The Worst Witch is great (in the sense that it's fucking terrible, and thus completely entertaining) and featured this bizarre and crappy film clip of Tim Curry:

Wow. Does anyone else remember that "Special Effects" video thing at Scienceworks where you made a video of yourself with a bunch of crappy special effects? THAT was better than the Curry clip. Jeebux.

Anyway, X-Entertainment did an awesome recap of this film which you should read, along with the rest of the site which is currently celebrating Halloween in the aformentioned over-the-top American way.
Cockeyed.com's Rock Cockerham is known for making some pretty incredible constumes. He hasn't revealed what this year's is yet, but you can see him making it. My guess is that he's going as the Idol judges, or Donald Trump and his Apprentice cronies. I hope it's the former, because then he'll have to dress like Paula Abdul, a look that can only be perfected with the right combination of valium and cocaine.

Happy Halloween!

2006-10-24T01:36:00.000+10:00

Twenty-One
Key to the door
I haven't been twenty-one before!

2006-10-20T18:00:00.000+10:00

Those of you not suffering from short-term memory loss will remember yesterday's post about the inexplicable manic popularity of Krispy Kream doughnuts. I couldn't understand how a baked good could be so damn nice it was worth waiting in a half-hour line for.

As it happened, I found myself on the corner of Collins and Spencer Streets this morning with half an hour to kill (I realise this sounds like total bullshit, but I'm not kidding, I had to be there at 10:30, but got there at 10, and it was just down the road from the shiny new Krispy Kreme store featured in my last post). My head told me to walk to the cafe across the road and buy a coffee and a focaccia (because I'm a wanker) to while away the time. But in my heart, I knew that the only thing I could possibly do was to join the Krispy Kream line to answer all the questions raised by yesterday's post. When would I ever have another spare half-hour where the most productive thing I could do with my time was to purchase a doughnut for a bit of faux-journalistic investigation? Never, that's when.

And so, I joined the tail end of the line, and waited for my chance to order one of the magical pieces of glazed dough. It took a LONG time. The line was shorter than usual, but the staff were seriously sloooow. In fairness, none of them, managers included (unless they moved them from Sydney or Fountain Gate), could have been doing this job longer than a month. I counted seven employees in total, but I think two were baking. Two were making coffee, one was the manager, and the others were struggling to box doughnuts and figure out the cash register.

About ten minutes into the wait, the manager announced that the store was out of "Original Glazed". One woman screamed "WHAAAAT?!!?" and stormed out. The school girls behind me from Our Lady of Some Slutty College had nicked off from an excursion to buy their doughnuts, ignoring calls to their mobiles by teachers. "Original Glazed is the best," one girl noted sagely. They discussed their favourite flavours and debated what today's choice should be with great seriousness and deliberation. All agreed that lemon-flavoured was "Ew".

Part of the reason the line is so long is that people order such huge quantities.

This girl bought three boxes (twelve in each, I think), which seemed excessive to me, until a woman bought ten boxes. Still, as the doughnuts are $2.50 each, and you can get a box of 12 glazed for about $21, or 12 glazed and 12 plain for about $25, I suppose it is economically the smartest choice.

As I got closer, I started to assess my own options. I didn't want anything with cream, but I wanted something glazed and with a filling so I got a good idea of the product. Eventually I decided on a "Raspberry Flavoured", which the official site describes as such: "Our yeast-raised doughnut is covered top to bottom in our original glaze and then stuffed with thick and zesty raspberry filling". I would have bought a coffee too, but as the wait took 25 minutes, and the barista looked pretty slow, I opted just for the doughnut. After a bit of fumbling at the till, I finally got out of there, and proceeded to head to my appointment.

Verdict: It was pretty good, as donughts go. The dough was soft and fresh and the filling didn't taste artificial. On the other hand, it wasn't very big (for $2.50), would have been much nicer hot, and made me feel pretty sick. Was it worth the wait? Absolutely not, but at least I don't have to wonder if I'm missing out any longer.

In the future, I'll stick to the 80cent hot jam doughnuts from the van at uni.

2006-10-19T12:57:00.000+10:00

What. The. Fuck?

How can these doughnuts possibly be THAT good?

I passed this store almost every day for several weeks after it opened, and there was ALWAYS a line out the door, day or night.

All credit to Krispy Kreme for their marketing strategy - letting the demand and hype build up to fever pitch and then barely placating the masses' appetites by only opening two stores, about an hour apart from each other, and thus maintaining the desire and the "unattainable" quality of the product. But are these doughnuts SO good that it's worth buying into their marketing shit and lining up for an hour?

No, really, has anyone tried these things? Do they really posess a magical quality that makes them worth all this time and fuss? What's wrong with Donut King, or the $1.50-for -10 packs at Coles?

2006-09-29T15:27:00.000+10:00

My band got a bunch of photos taken recently and some of them are up at our Myspace. You should probably go and admire them, because they cost money, and it'd be silly if no one ever saw them.

2006-09-29T14:09:00.001+10:00

On Wednesday, I was working at the pub, when a shaggy looking rocker came up to the bar.

"Can I make a music request?"
"If you wish"
"Have you got any Le Shlonk?"
"Le What?"
"Le Shlonk..."
"Never fucking heard of them. What kind of music is it?"
"Hmm, similar to this" He said indicating to the bluesey music we had on.

It was at this point that I realised he was wearing a black t-shirt with "LE SHLONK" written in big white letters.

"Well then what's wrong with this, if it's the same?"
"Oh nothing... just wanted to hear Le Shlonk..."

He slinked off.

NATURALLY I went straight home and Googled them....

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet Stu, bass player for... LE SHLONK.

You fucking tool.

And yes, I realise this will show up on Google.

Hello Stu, I am embarrassed for you.

2006-09-16T20:36:00.000+10:00

I know September 11 is like, totally last week, but here are two great Salon articles from just after the event where readers shared their "forbidden" thoughts after what every one else calls "the day the world changed forever". I like it because it gave me a bit more faith in Americans, although it's a shame that in such a supposedly "freedom-loving" nation, people have to resort to anonymity and articles like this to express any thoughts that differ from the party like.

My "forbidden" thoughts were similar to some of the ones there. I remember thinking that it was hardly unprovoked or unexpected and "Hmm, what a great excuse for Bush to go to war...". In the days after, I remember being annoyed by the constant news playing on every channel. Once nothing new was happening, I wanted my regular television viewing to recommence.

2006-09-05T16:51:00.000+10:00

Two things:

1. My phone got nicked a few weeks ago, and I only JUST got a new one. I have the same number, but I've lost all my contacts. Grr. So if you think that I should have your phone number, I'd appreciate it if you could drop me and sms or an email so I can get it back again. Also, if you sent me an SMS in the last week or so, I obviously didn't get it. If it was important, you should probably re-send it. If it was about Neighbours or Australian Idol, don't worry about it (that's what MSN is for).

2. My band now have one of those Myspace sites - here. So if YOU have a Myspace account, you should go and add us as a friend so that we look popular, and you look like you have cool musician friends.

2006-08-29T14:51:00.000+10:00

Bah, stupid memes...

1. Three things that scare me:
Snakes (both on and off planes)
The film The Witches
Tony Abbott

2. Three people that make me laugh:
Sam
Dawei
Kynan

3. Three things I hate the most:
Canned Tuna
Deadlines
Other people

4. Three things I don't understand:
Why people like "Family Guy"
Dance music
Children

5. Three things I'm doing right now:
Procrastinating
Contemplating an afternoon nap
Coughing up muccus

6. Three things I want to do before I die:
Become a crazy old lady with cats and a shot gun
Finish my stupid Arts degree
Finish this stupid meme

7. Three things I can do:
I can hop
I can run
I can stop
It is fun
Hop, hop, hop
Run, run, run
Stop, stop, stop
Fun, fun, fun

8. Three ways to describe my personality:
Stubborn
Lazy
Disorganised

9. Three things I can't do:
Write in lowercase
Maths
Sing

10. Three things I think you should listen to:
Your mum
My band
Anyone waving a gun in your face

11. Three things you should never listen to:
Scientologists
Crazy Frog
All those voices in your head

12. Three things I'd like to learn:
How to draw
The piano
Magic tricks

13. Three favourite foods:
Nachos
Cheese
Peaches

14. Three beverages I drink regularly:
Coffee
Coke
Beer

15. Three shows I watched as a kid:
Widget the World Watcher
Big Square Eye
Dinosaurs

16. Three people I'm tagging (to do this):
The pain ends here

2006-08-19T00:16:00.000+10:00

Geeky post, ahoy:

After much consideration and soul-searching, I have changed my iriver over to open source firmware.

I love my iriver - it holds 20 gigs of musical glory, it's pretty, and it has a buttload of features you won't find on an ipod - fm radio, recording, and a built-in encoder, to name just a few. HOWEVER. There are a few things that really bug me - it takes forever to load, the scrolling is far too slow for navigating hundreds of bands, set playlists refuse to play certain songs, there are gaps between songs, the website sucks and offers very little technical support, and, now they've created newer model players, the iriver people seem to have stopped issuing firmware updates for my player. These annoyances were sufficient enough for me to want to risk "bricking" (I know this term because I am now a l33t open source hAx0rz. It means fucking up your appliance and turning it into what is essentially a very expensive brick) my pretty, pretty iriver (with the go-ahead of Kartar, who is clever with open source things), and download Rockbox. So far I am very happy with this decision.

All the bugs that annoyed me are fixed, it has a million more options, it has GAMES, you can set it to do perfect DJ crossfades, you can create playlists at any time on the iriver itself (previously you had to do it on your computer using Winamp or the like, and copy it over), it is being continually updated by geeky programmer people and NOT come evil corporation, and tech support is excellent. I was initially a bit unimpressed with the very basic layout, but a) this saves heaps of the battery, and b) you can get skins to pretty it up.

It's still in Beta, so it's not perfect, but if you're willing to read all the documentation and learn a bunch of new settings, and what buttons do what, I think it's really worth it. Especially if, like me, you use your iriver (or other mp3 player, Rockbox supports Archos, ipod, and iAudio) for more than just personal listening - it's much easier to use it at the pub than it is to use CDs, and now for my occasional DJ stints...

SPEAKING OF! TONIGHT:

(image-ified to avoid googlestalkers)

Be there!

2006-08-17T03:26:00.000+10:00

Am I a hypocrite? On the one hand, I constantly bemoan the awful state of comedy on Australian television. On the other, I really want Channel 10's stupid David Tench show to suck in a Wedge-esque manner and be ridiculed. I think this is mainly because their attempt to manufacture a "viral" marketing campaign really annoys me (and we all know how well that can turn out...), but also because the ads have such an in-your-face "THIS SHOW IS FUNNY" "YOU WILL FIND DAVID TENCH CHEEKY AND ENDEARING" "I'M A BAD WIDDLE BOY" vibe to them, that... I want them to be wrong. I don't like being told that I WILL love something.

Additionally, I just don't buy the whole, "Because he's a cartoon, he will get away with mocking the celebrities" angle. It's true that this is generally the case, but... on Channel 10? With celebrities doing promo tours? I don't buy it. Case in point: Shaun Micallef regularly took the piss out of celebrities when he was on the ABC, but once he was on 9, there wasn't room for it. He did (and I doubt he had much say about it) these lame, "straight" interviews that completely clashed with the absurdity of rest of the show. 10 neither has, nor, I imagine, wants to have, the balls to lure celebrities into Ali G style ambushes to be ridiculed on national television. Channel 10 has "Celebrities Dancing at a Fat Camp on Ice while Getting Married" shows to produce. I don't care if Denton is behind the show or not, I refuse to believe that 10 will tolerate any sort of risque or defamatory dialogue with the very people they want to appear on their reality shows and promos.

Besides, this concept is hardly original, and this will never be funnier than Space Ghost: Coast to Coast.

Prove me wrong, Channel 10, but I'll be secretly hoping you don't. For some reason I just really want this show to fail miserably.

2006-08-14T14:41:00.000+10:00

On Saturday night, I made my debut as a DJ. Here is what I learned:

People don't like to be told that it's a "Bruce Springsteen-free night"
Most people have shit taste in music
When questioned as to why you won't play someone's favourite song, it's better to lie than say, "Because it's shit"
"DJ Sonic Ruth" is the greatest DJ name in the world
Unless you're one of those doof-doof DJs with the scratching and the baggy pants, it's a really fucking easy job. Don't believe anyone who tells you otherwise. You put music on, cue it up, then just... stand around drinking. And unless you're actually retarded, it's not hard to guess what people want to hear
As far as drunk people are concerned, there is no such a thing as too much Guns n' Roses
As far as I'm concerned, there absolutely is
It's not actually that much fun. Those DJs waving their arms in the air and dancing around like they just don't care? Are on drugs. I mean, it's easy money and perfectly tolerable, but after 5 hours of just playing CDs, you get a bit bored

2006-08-08T01:20:00.000+10:00

The other week, a friend and I were discussing the affect that the internet has had on the way people listen to music. My friend, a good ten years older than myself, felt it had taken the mystery and excitement out of bands, especially for younger people. He described seeing Sonic Youth when he was a teenager, and how they seemed like aliens - these cool, untouchable rock stars from this cool, distant place that was New York. Kids today, he argued, know too much about their favourite bands - from their sex scandals to their mothers' maiden names to where they get their hair cut. Instead of scouring through newsagents to find this amazing magazine called NME (which he'd had no idea was so mainstream in the UK) that was filled with new bands from distant places like he'd done, teenagers today can discover, listen to, email, and notify their friends about, any new band from anywhere around the world, without leaving their bedrooms. He argued that it takes away the fun and idolisation of listening to your favourite band when you cynically know that the lead singer is missing a testicle and the drummer is selling his sticks on Ebay to pay off gambling debts. In short, it makes musicians too human.

I understand where he's coming from - there's something about discovering new bands to obsess over when you're a teenager that isn't quite as mind-blowing when you get a bit older. And that buzz of hearing new music you instantly love is compounded when the artist seems so much cooler and more glamorous than you, as a pimply, chubby, braces-wearing virgin, could ever hope to be.

However, as a proud member of Generation Y, I think that growing up with the internet was the best thing that could ever have happened to the musical odyssey of teenage Ruth. Until I discovered resources like Napster and online music magazines, things weren't looking good for me. Hours and hours of sitting in my bedroom listening to Led Zep and Black Sabbath isn't the worst thing that could happen to a teenager, granted (my sister dedicated just as much time to the back catalogue of Mariah Carey), but my musical tastes didn't extend much further than that. Once I realised you could discover millions of new bands on the internet AND listen to them for free, a whole new world opened up for me. I spent hours and hours finding as much new music as I could. I could look up all the bands that had influenced my favourite bands, and all the bands they had influenced themselves. Obscure side projects, bootlegs, detailed band histories... it was all available to me. And yes, it took the sheen and otherworldliness away from the bands, but that was exactly what I loved. Feeling like the entire world of music was available to me made finding new bands far more accessible, and it felt on my own terms - I wasn't been fed music by magazines or radio stations. New discoveries were my own, and it took my tastes from the "Popular" section of HMV to requesting imports at Missing Link.

Granted, bands themselves weren't quite as "online" as they are these days. They weren't blogging (except for possibly Moby, but... blergh) and there was no Myspace or itunes or youtube. But I still can't even imagine how my musical tastes and knowledge would have fared without the internet at my disposal. I'm not saying my tastes or knowledge are as flawless as they could be. My friend who grew up without the internet would still top me on both. But I don't think people need to be snobby about using the internet to learn as much as they can about as many bands as they want. Maybe it's more credible to spend hours pouring through underground zines and trading mix tapes with friends. But for those of us who grew up in the suburbs surrounded by friends and siblings with no interest in music beyond Fox FM (or whatever the kids are listening to these days) and no way of pointing them towards such things, the internet can make a whole world of music and artists available and accessible.

They're only human, after all.

P.S. See what I did there with the clever-clever ending? Aren't I such a witty writer? Anyway, tell me about how YOUR musical tastes developed. At what age? Are you still up-to-date with it all, or do seeing bands with names like "My Blood Covered Wedding of Hate and Thick Eye Makeup" make you feel scared and nauseous?

2006-08-02T02:46:00.000+10:00

Metafilter has reminded me of my love for Flight of the Conchords. Go and watch vidoes like this on Youtube and learn/remind yourself why they are New Zealand's fourth most popular folk rock duo. My favourite song is "Bowie's in Space".

I would like to have their imaginary children.

2006-07-27T14:38:00.000+10:00

Dawei has posted about his vocational ambitions (and lack thereof) up until this point in his life, and my mind has been on similar matters lately.

Like Dawei, as a young child, I entertained dreams of one day mixing chemicals and potions whilst sporting a lab coat, thick black glasses, and a crop of wild gray hair (although I clearly lacked his vocabulary at that age, and described the career as a "mad scientist", rather than a "chemist" [on a side note, I've been wondering lately why drug-store chemists need such a complicated degree to hand out pre-made and packed drugs? The mole behind the Maybelline counter pretty much does the same thing, and at least you usually get some free samples out of her. Does being a pharmacist pay well? I can't think of any other reason to do a degree, only to end up as a glorified shop assistant at the end of it {other than an Arts degree, of course, where graduates routinely end up as shop assistants}. Or do many graduates also use their skills to run smack labs at home? Given the grilling and suspicious looks you get when trying to purchase Sudafed these days, surely Chemists are the only ones with access to large amounts of psuedoephedrine now...])

Over the years, I have wanted to be a robotic engineer, lawyer, documentary maker, police officer, and rock star.

In a few months, I'll have finished my arts degree, and it's a bit, well, scary. I have zero interest in working in the field of my major (politics), and my degree doesn't qualify me to do anything, anyway. I have some idea of where I want to go, but no idea how to get there. Health reasons are currently keeping me from even bartending, so it's a bit intimidating to think of what I'm going to be when I'm not a student any more. I don't want to spend years "finding myself". I don't want to backpack around Europe. I don't want to be unemployed. I DEFINITELY don't want to study any more.

I'd like a real job that I enjoy. And I have about four months left to work on that. Eep.

What did you want to be when you were a kid? What are you now? How did you get there? Will you employ me or give me money?

2006-07-03T23:48:00.000+10:00

Ok, if I can just defer from the usual high-brow content of this site to discuss Big Brother... specifically two of the very ugly, boring housemates waggling their tackle in another boring, ugly housemate's face.

I'm not going to state whether or not I believe it was sexual harassment, "foolish", harmless fun, or if she was gagging for it. I don't think it really matters. Because I think the greater point is that it was done in the public eye. Two guys restrained a chick and pushed their dicks in her face. On TV. THAT is the point. She could have proceeded to fellate them, for all it matters. And Gretel Killeen, a woman I once had a modicum of respect for, comes out with:

"Today, and presumably for the remainder of the week, you may be inundated with exaggerated ill-informed stories in the media which do nothing but perpetuate ignorance and hurt those involved... Ashley and John were fantastic housemates, bringing joy not only to their fellow housemates but to Australia as a whole, and we're very sorry that one foolish incident on their behalf has led to them leaving."

Here is the story, Gretel: Two guys restrained a chick and pushed their dicks in her face. On TV. I get that it wasn't shown on TV (although it was on the live feed), but as far as the housemates were concerned, it was. If they're willing to pull that shit on television, well... I'm fucking glad that the incident and subsequent media coverage has "hurt" those involved. What the fuck did they expect?

If a big deal isn't made about it, by the media, Channel 10, the police, and anyone else, a really fucked up message is being sent to society about the appropriateness of the action. I agree with the argument that "You can't have a reality television show and complain when real things happen", and don't at all think it's an argument for taking the show off the air (the continued persistence of the show's producers to choose the most boring, vapid, and ugly housemates they can is a far better reason), but that doesn't mean you have to condone everything that happens, either.

Regardless of whether it's true or not, even if Camilla was a truly willing participant in the incident, it's a pretty dangerous message to send that just because someone doesn't appear to object to something, or that they "go along" with it, that they are a comfortable or willing participant. If Ashley and John want to push their dicks in people's faces on TV, well... they have to accept that it's ON FUCKING TV. People are going to see it. Stupid people. Who sometimes need to have it shoved down their throats that that kind of behavior is, at worst, criminal, and at best, fucking retarded. Even if you accept that, despite failing to show either intelligence or sensitivity for the previous 70 days, both boys had a unique insight into the female psyche at that point in time, you would have to agree that most young Australian men... don't. It's better that they never try that shit at home, regardless of the circumstances.

Have the media and politicians gone overboard in their comments and coverage of the incident? Perhaps. But I think it would be far more concerning if Killeen's sentiments of a foolish, but innocent prank blown out of proportion were being promoted by the Australian media. Even if that is all it was. People NEED to be outraged by even the possibility of sexual assault. Will it have some negative consequences for the two boys who may have meant no harm? Probably, but fuck, John and Ashley, act like adults and accept that, joke or not, you RESTRAINED SOMEONE AND PUSHED YOUR COCKS IN THEIR FACE, AND YOU DID IT ON FUCKING TELEVISION, and that there are consequences for asshattery like that. People need to get angry and passionate and have opinions and comments about shit like this, regardless of how they saw the incident. Surely the argument for reality TV is as a medium for us to reflect and comment on society, not just to enable a passive endorsement of "top blokes and sheilas" who consistently "keep it real" and never "stir the pot" in such a way as to offend our sensibilities.

So irrespective of the way you feel, I'd ask you to consider that the people who are "wrong" in this situation aren't necessarily those who think the veracity of the incident has been overstated, but rather the people who have criticised segments of society and the media for being bothered by what happened (and by "people", I mean "Gretel Killeen"). Consider the ramifications for society if things like this aren't denounced by at least someone.

I reiterate that I don't think it's fair that the incident has been exploited to argue for stricter censorship of TV - what happened was an unfortunate, but accurate portrayal of many young Australian men, was not broadcast, and would not have been broadcast during children's television viewing times - however, the incident quite rightly provoked serious concerns for a lot of people, and as such, I do believe it was the media beat-up we had to have.

2006-06-09T15:31:00.000+10:00

I love Entertainment Tonight. They were just doing an "investigation" into Olivia Newton John's missing boyfriend. The investigation? Sending a psychic to places he has been sighted. Her exclusive insight: He has definitely been there.

Conclusive!
I know hearing about other people's dreams can be boring, but man, I've been having some spacked-out dreams lately. In one, the Olympics were being held in Melbourne, and one of my uni tutors was chosen to sing a song at the opening with one of the Bull sisters (the fat one) because he's Aboriginal. They were on a floating podium, a la Nicki Webster, and everyone was chanting his name, except me, because I got a B. Then the paralympic swimmers tried to stage a protest, but no one understood what they were saying, because they were underwater. In another dream, I had a huge penis and could fellate myself. It wasn't a sexual dream, it just... was. I also keep having dreams about ninjas trying to kill me.
Little girly Zac Hanson is married now? He's younger than me!
Addictive Game.

2006-06-07T15:26:00.000+10:00

This lady is blogging her way through the old Baby Sitters Club books, and it's all kinds of awesome.

That is all.

2006-05-24T03:24:00.000+10:00

I work at a lot of functions. Birthdays, anniversaries, wedding receptions, going away parties, office Christmas things, fundraisers, art exhibitions... you get the idea. Here is what I know:

All 21sts are the same. No matter how cool or lame the birthday kid, whether the party has a theme, whether it's bogans decked out in their Jeans West finest or ex-private school kids in suits (nothing looks more ridiculous than a bunch of 21 year old boys trying to look sophisticated and like they have any actual money of their own, by the way), the party will almost invariably take the same form - Mum and Dad pay for the booze, everyone gets hopelessly drunk, embarrassing speeches, generic "party" music (regardless of what the kid listens to, "Groove is in the Heart" and "Love Shack" will feature at least three times), sloppy making-out, birthday kid tries to hide their smoking habit from their parents, bacardi breezers, cowboy shots, at least one girl cries in the toilets over a boy, at least one girl throws up, the girls eat all the food, the boys won't touch it until 2am, photo board with pictures of birthday kid in the bath and at footy/ballet practice, the birthday kid ends their thank-you speech with "... now let's all dance and get drunk! Woo!", Dad gives me at least a $20 tip and there are plenty of leftovers and cake for me to enjoy while I'm cleaning up their filth.

All 50ths are the same. Old people act daggy, dance daggily to daggy music or daggy cover bands, leave by 1am, they eat all the food but the birthday dag gives me a good tip.

But. 30ths are always different. Sometimes everyone is very sensible and grown-up and everyone sits around sipping sav blanc and nibbling finger food and listening to jazz. Sometimes it's bogans playing air-guitar to AC/DC all night. Sometimes they start off with REM, and are head-banging to Korn by the end of the night. Sometimes a sensible chick has married a bogan and both families are there and are appalled by each other. Sometimes people insist on paying for their drinks despite the bar tab. Sometimes people whinge to ME when the tab finishes and they actually have to fork out for their own drinks. Sometimes they don't touch the food because they're all stick thin and "watching their weight". Sometimes they scarf down everything and have to order pizzas. Sometimes half the party brings babies and toddlers and everyone drinks orange juice all night. Sometimes they all get so shit-faced on coke and ecstasy, they may as well be toddlers. Sometimes they all get so stoned, everyone sits and stares at the wall for three hours. I've worked 30ths with awful 80s DJs, hardcore techno DJs, ska bands, freestyle rap battles (seriously), and parties where they don't care and let me DJ from my mp3 player. Sometimes I get a huge tip, and sometimes they don't give me a thing.

Anyway, I'm not sure exactly what my point is, except that it's interesting that most people are in the same place at 21, but by 30, some have barely changed, and some have completely "settled down". Some still hang out at clubs and take pills, and some have a few champagnes, an aspirin, and an early night. Yet by 50, they've pretty much evened out again.

Huh.

2006-05-15T20:55:00.000+10:00

I don't know what was more disturbing about this evening's Australian Story -

1. That it was presented by John Howard; or
2. That he was a better presenter than Caroline Jones

2006-05-11T02:48:00.000+10:00

Ah yeah, the Musical Challenge results. Sorry, I had to go to work and just plum forgot. Speaking of, I overheard the greatest quote ever tonight:

"I don't really like the taste of Stella, but it's a great 'image' beer"

Anyway.

The winner was Sternezine Tim with 13 correct. Some guy called Richard came in second with 11.5 correct, and Desci came third with 9.

The answers were:

Suicidal Tendencies - Institutionalized
Beastie Boys - Brass Monkey
Supergrass - Mary
Cat Power - He War
Mötley Crüe - Kickstart My Heart
Television - Marquee Moon
The Go! Team - The Power Is On
Spinal Tap/The Thamesmen - Gimme Some Money
The Ohio Players - Love Rollercoaster
Snout - Got Sold On Heaven
The Ramones - Pet Cemetary
The Rocksteady Crew - Hey You
The B52s - Rock Lobster
X-Ray Spex - Oh Bondage, Up Yours!
Pavement - Cut Your Hair
Eels - Souljacker Pt. 1
Flaming Lips - She Don't Use Jelly
Black Sabbath - Sweet Leaf
Serge Gainsbourg and Brigitte Bardot - Bonnie and Clyde
Smashing Pumpkins - Zero

No one got 10 or 12. Which is pretty lousy considering that 10 is Australian and 12 has lyrics at the start which you could've Googled if you were all as dodgy as I'd assumed. Lame. Though partial credit to Desci for guessing 11 as "Some Australian band, the song reminds me of summer and it starts with a do do-do do do-do dooo, do-do-do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do-do-do...". Brownie Points also go to Supermercado Adam for being the only person to identify 8 as "The Thamesmen" (though I accepted Spinal Tap).

As always, the winner will receive a mix CD, along with anyone else who wants one (yes, even if you didn't enter, you lazy cunts), but I'll chuck in something extra special for the winner. So email me at "lineofcontempt AT gmail DOT com" with a mailing address so I can send you mix CDs and threatening letters (feel free to give me a work address if you don't trust me with your home one, which... fair enough).

I got a better response to the Mix CD Club-thingo-whatsit idea than I'd anticipated, so I'll email everyone who was interested soon to work out how we want to run it and such. It's not too late to get involved. Your mother will be happy that you're participating in a productive community activity instead of drinking your life away and spending coutless hours online. I know my mother is impressed and not at all creeped out by my collection of online friends.

2006-05-09T18:21:00.000+10:00

My Three Second Challenge will end tomorrow. The current leader has 13 correct, which is pretty good, but there's still time to beat/kill him/her. I whole-heartedly encourage cheating in all forms, whether it be teaming up with others to share answers, googling lyrics... anything you can think of.

All but two songs have been guessed, and interestingly, one of them is the only Australian inclusion. Shame on you all. Though that is a clue, I guess. Here are some more:

One of the bands isn't real, one song has a very well-known cover version, two of the bands have umlauts in their names, and one song is not in English.

Answers up tomorrow.

2006-05-08T14:07:00.000+10:00

FACT:

Raver clothes look bad on everyone.

EVERYONE.

2006-05-03T22:09:00.000+10:00

My new Three Second Musical Challenge is here (right click and "save as").

For the new kids - the mp3 contains the first three seconds of twenty songs. See how many you can identify, and send your answers to "lineofcontempt AT gmail DOT com". I think this is a pretty easy challenge, but there are a few tricky ones chucked in there. If you win, you'll get an awesome prize... which will probably be a mix CD.

Speaking of Mix CDs, is anyone interested in starting a Mix Tape Club (or something of a less gay name)? The idea is that every month, one or every person in the group makes a mix CD/tape and sends a copy to every one else. You end up with a lot of new music, and postage costs are actually pretty cheap. Email me if you're interested.

2006-04-25T04:53:00.000+10:00

I feel a Musical Challenge coming on, but in the mean time (which could be days, weeks, or months - I'm not committing myself to anything), please join me in reliving the glory of former Australian Idol contestant Laura Gissara's "Don't Let Go". I found it floating around on my computer and I've had it on repeat for the last half hour. The key change that kicks in at about 1:12 is gold.

2006-04-11T21:29:00.000+10:00

So who is going to buy this for me?

STRIKE FIRST!
STRIKE HARD!
SHOW NO MERCY!

Sigh. I love that film.

In other 80s news, we've been watching the first season of 21 Jump Street 'round these parts. I'm a bit young to remember much of it from my childhood, so forgive me for missing this until now, but HOW HOT WAS JOHNNY DEPP?

Answer: SO HOT.

We didn't get teen heartthrobs like that in the 90s.

2006-03-28T01:23:00.000+11:00

March 31 is Terry Schiavo Day! I personally plan to commemorate the occasion by lying comatose on the couch and drooling, to express my beliefs in the sanctity of human life. Anyone else wishing to participate in this solemn display of moral conviction may volunteer for tasks such as:

pureeing my food, and feeding it to me through a tube
changing the channel from Dr Phil to Orpah at 1pm
collecting and disposing of my urine
or simply joining me on the couch for some liquefied nachos and daytime tv in a celebration of LIFE

So come and "Vegetate for Terri" with me on March 31!

2006-03-23T16:45:00.000+11:00

Lazy post, ahoy.

Geoffrey Chaucer Hath A Blog. Very well done, probably the second best parody blog I've ever read *cough*
For the last few weeks, I've been going to see an awesome Russian band called "Vulgargrad" at The Old Bar, featuring that guy who was shagging Gabby on the Secret Life of Ass even though he was married and creepy looking and it was a totally implausible storyline. It reminds me of Tom Waits singing Jacques Brel in Russian. They're awesome and they're playing there on Wednesday next week and you should go.
This article is kind of stupid and does indeed lack scientific merit, but it's funny because it's probably true, anyway.
I find this site fascinating, because I simultaneously want this woman as my mother, and feel sorry for her kid, who must get the living shit beaten out of him every day for his wacky lunches and having a mother who calls him "Little Schmoo". I got teased in primary school just for having a mother who called me "Ruthie". Yikes.

2006-03-14T11:53:00.000+11:00

Shut up, Annie Proulx.

"I don't care that I didn't win an Oscar because the Academy Awards are stupid... but it's SO unfair that I didn't win one! Wah."

The Academy Awards are stupid (she just figured this out?), but maybe, just maybe, Bareback Mountain didn't win because it's a boring, mediocre, way-too-long film based on a boring, mediocre, but mercifully-brief short story. It was plodding, the acting wasn't incredibly impressive, there was zero chemistry between the two main characters, and you don't even get to see any cock.

I haven't seen Crash, so I have no idea if it was any better, but I HAVE seen Good Night, and Good Luck, which was ten times better than the gay cowboy film, with a much more powerful and insightful message about today's society.

Your film was ass. Deal with it.

2006-03-07T01:22:00.000+11:00

Due to the aforementioned lack of washing-up and cleaning by my housemates, our kitchen has been infested by an indeterminable number of rodents. When this became evident about a month ago, I ran straight off to Safeway and bought a truckload of Ratsack and mousetraps. Because I. Hate. Rodents. They're gross and icky and, whilst I'm not one to jump on a chair and shriek and carry on when I see one, they just generally erk me out. My housemates, on the other hand, offered a vague "Yuck" and continued to casually fling food all over the house with a general indifference to the whole affair.

Last week, after almost a month, and a whole box of Ratsack, I finally found a dead one on the kitchen floor... and then pissed off out of the house, leaving it for someone else to find. I acted shocked when my housemate told me about his two-hour ordeal of trying to work up the courage to remove it - an experience that nevertheless has not inspired him to stop leaving dirty plates in the living room.

Irrespective of that small victory, the Ratsack was still being eaten. After a month. The packet said 3-7 DAYS. Only I would get stuck with the new strain of mutant super mouse, immune to fucking poison - like Master Splinter had a family of Kung Fu rodents and ditched the boredom of fighting crime with Turtles in New York City for the thrill-a-minute lifestyle of stealing Sultana Bran from a share-house in Fitzroy.

Anyway, it occurred to me that, subconsciously, I'd been deliberately putting the mousetraps in really stupid places to avoid having to deal with the little dead mouse bodies. So on Friday, I set them up right next to the Ratsack and fucked off for the weekend to leave others to deal with the aftermath. But when I returned home today, the little fuckers had eaten all the peanut butter without setting the bloody things off.

Undeterred, I reset the traps.

Whilst lying awake in bed this evening, at an uncharacteristically early 11pm, I hear the distinctive "SNAP" of a mousetrap. Snap. Little broken mouse spine. Little mouse organs being squished and causing little gushes of internal bleeding. I do not want to be the one to find that little mouse carcass. "Do not leave the room, Ruth. You will not need to go to the toilet tonight. You will not need to go into the kitchen."

Five minutes later, I'm busting to take a leak. I try to distract myself online. I try reading. By 12pm, I'm trying to send ESP messages to my sleeping boyfriend to wake up and go to the toilet, see the dead mouse, and calmly remove it from my kitchen and into the wheelie bin outside before I have to deal with it. And before he comments on this, I realise there was zero chance of this happening, but the little dead mouse body was driving me insane - lying in the kitchen with its eyes wide open, guts spilling out onto the floor, and its filthy little tail lying limp and shit-covered behind it.

1am. One of my housemates comes home. Finally. He will see the mouse, he will remove it, I will be able to urinate in peace. But he doesn't see it. He doesn't turn the light on. He walks through the kitchen in the dark, oblivious to the now ant-covered corpse lying in the shadows of the kitchen.

For fuck's sake. I have to piss. I turn the kitchen light on and pace slowly but steadily down the narrow kitchen (my warped logic says that I must step loudly enough for any living mice to hear me coming and hide before I have to see them having a little mouse funeral). I peer past the kitchen cabinet to finally come face-to-little-dead-rodent-face with my nemesis, and.... nothing. The fucking trap is still fucking set. No trace of a mouse except the remaining crumbs in another tray of Ratsack.

God damnit.

2006-02-24T14:42:00.000+11:00

Have you noticed the link to my new favourite web comic The Adventures of Dr. McNinja over on the right there? It's so well drawn and funny and awesome that you must go and read the entire thing now.

2006-02-22T10:27:00.000+11:00

This is probably testament to how little washing-up gets done in my household, but the other day, after almost three months of living together, I discovered that one of my housemates washes the dishes under running water. No plug, dishwashing liquid only occasionally. Ok, a) gross, and b) HUGE FUCKING WASTE OF WATER! It just defies common sense so much, I really can't understand it. I grew up with a dishwasher, and I still know how to wash dishes properly and hygienically , so I'm not sure that's the reason.

I just... don't get it. Does anyone else do/understand this?

2006-02-13T16:34:00.000+11:00

I sure hate a lot of things, but right now there is nothing I hate quite as much as I hate Coke Zero. And not just the taste - which is indeed awful, and tastes nothing like normal Coke at all, but rather the bastard child of Home Brand Cola and poo - but the advertising campaign is driving me nuts because it's so fucking illogical.

Firstly, it's illogical because they are using the argument if we can have one thing we want, why can't we have any other completely unrelated thing that we want. If Coke believe they can come up with a formula to replicate the taste of regular Coke but still use artificial sweetener, why isn't any other conceivable desire reasonable, even if it's totally impossible. For instance:

"Now that we have real taste and zero sugar... Why can't you have a sick of work day?"

Because that would be a stupid way to run a workplace. Not only would it be economically unwise for employers, to take such a day would be an implicit statement of dislike for your job and workplace, and thus no one would take one anyway.

"... Why can't relationships come with a gap year?"

Because that's called "breaking up".

"... Why can't we have endless summers and zero winters?"

Even though seasons are just meteorological conventions and thus human constructs, to avoid experiencing the time of year that we call winter, the Earth would have to stop orbiting the sun so that the place where the Coke Zero drinker lives could always be in direct sunlight.

"... Why can't bosses come with a mute button?"

Because that's physiologically impossible. And stupid.

And yet, when that tool (who was on something else, but I can't pick it. Gaybours? SLoU? Anyone know?) jumps on the bus in the ad and yells these inane demands, everyone listening raises their fists in the air and says "YEAH!" like they're totally reasonable propositions. But they're not. They're patently not. They don't make me want to drink Coke Zero. They make me want to cut people.

2006-02-09T20:36:00.000+11:00

Yeah, it's been a while, shut up. Have a list:

Most addictive game ever. It may actually ruin your life.
My new favourite tv show is Syn TV on Channel 31. It's hosted by various teenagers trying awkwardly to chat with each other and cover the fact that they're reading straight from poorly written scripts. For instance:

Stupid Teen 1: So... Annie. Seen, like, any good... films... lately?
Stupid Teen 2: Yeah, I'm seeing a film on Wednesday... so that will be cool... I guess
ST1: Cool
ST2: Cool
ST1: Ok. Cool. And now we're... going to play a music clip. It's the Donnas... oh no, it's Green Day. Yeah. Cool.
ST1 and ST2 glance around awkwardly until the clip starts

It's gold.
I have nothing else to say
This is a short list.
Sorry.

2006-01-14T16:59:00.000+11:00

I no longer have a scanner, so the Illustrated Adventures of Ruth will now have a slightly different look...

2006-01-11T02:56:00.000+11:00

Yawn. The Australian Blog Awards are on again, and the same old people will win (i.e. not me), therefore I officially don't give a shit.

So here is my far more interesting version:

Ugliest Blogger
Hottest Blogger
Most Overrated Blog
Worst Site Design
Biggest Wanker
Worst Writer
Biggest Famewhore
Bitchiest Blogger
Most Annoying Blog Clique

I'd be proud to wear anyone of those titles.

Feel free to comment anonymously and let the backstabbing begin!

2005-12-21T12:45:00.000+11:00

While everyone else gets Grinchy and Scroogy about Christmas, I actually don't hate the holiday. Sure, I hate the commercialism and the bullshit, but I do like having lunch with my extended family. Because our family all get along and are nice, intelligent people who make good food and enjoy donating money to charity every year to ease our middle class guilt. HOWEVER. Most of them are also shills in the public sector or corporate types, and as such they can't do anything without conferences, committees, and discussion papers. The organisation of this year's Christmas has been going all fucking year and has included: thirty group emails, a discussion facilitator (yes, that was the official title), and various sub-committees (organising travel, food, etc). Some excerpts from the "discussion":

You have designated yourself 'facilitator' but it is unclear as to whether you are to act as expert or arbitrator. Will you present a consolidated opinion for review of all or will you make an unappealable decision which you will communicate to all?

I am not designating myself as either an expert on Christmas (although I did revise a book called "Christmas for Children" once), or an arbitrator. I was just setting up a process through which I hope that a consensus will emerge. Thank you to Ruth and **** for their early contributions, which I am viewing as ambit claims. I encourage everyone else to put in their views, and I am setting a deadline of 30 November for this debate, to give everyone a reasonable amount of time to buy whatever presents might be involved

Given your history as a policy-maker, I look forward to a
progressive policy framework that will allow for a range of comfortable
responses in action come 25 December 2006.

Ugggh. In the end, of course, we came up with some hideously complicated "compromise" that isn't particularly logical. And, of course, my opinion that presents were totally unnecessary because a) we're all wealthier than about 99% of the world, b) no one in our family is an overly enthusiastic gift-buyers, so people only ever get stuff they'd buy for themselves anyway, or generic "Ruth likes alternative music, so we will buy her a Triple J CD" type gifts that no one actually wants, and c) the money could be better spent on actually helping people, was totally ignored in the final decision.

Anyway, I'm not really sure what my actual point was.... I guess it's that Christmas can be good, but presents are more trouble than they're worth. Or maybe it's that my family are lamely bureaucratic.... or something. Merry Christmas.

2005-12-07T13:05:00.000+11:00

Because I'm totally an adult now, who pays taxes and has a superannuation fund and everything, I'm moving out tomorrow (because I don't feel I'll be enough of a cliché until I'm a poor Arts student living in an inner-city share house). As such, I've had to clean up all my shit today so it can be boxed or thrown out. I'm a shocking hoarder, so I've found tons of amusing shit from when I was younger, but nothing quite so amusing as a copies of lyrics from the band I was in when I was 14, The Drapes. We played two whole gigs (God bless the Arthouse and their complete lack of both musical and responsible alcohol serving standards), and reading back on this shit now, I'm pretty surprised we were even booked to play one. Thus I give you:

Hate

Fuck you all, and fly into the sun
I hope you die, and then some
Choke on your teeth all by my hand
Even with spice, your head stew is bland

Fuck you all, and fly into the sun
I hope you die, and then some
You've made my shitty life crumble

And for why?

CHORUS
Because we're all fucked in the head
A bullet to your black, black heart
See the ash fall from the hole

Flow and pore the rivers of hate
Because of you, my life is in this state
Of depression from the days I'm trapped

And all the things that I have been denied

CHORUS

I don't want you here anymore
I never did, you dumb-fuck whore
I hate your guts and maybe you can feel
But how can you?
You're Lucifer's pet eel

CHORUS

Labyrinth

Goblin King, Goblin King, wherever you may be
Take this child far away from me
To the Labyrinth, to forever dwell
Sarah, if you kiss Hoggle, you'll end up in Hell

CHORUS
Dance that magic dance
David Bowie, get some new pants

The staircase is freaking me out
Walking sideways and upside down
Your crazy fruit is tripping me out
You're the Goblin King, but where's your crown?

CHORUS

I don't approve of your goblin city ghetto
It's a grazing field
An eighties meadow
Why don't you just leave her alone?
Hopefully no one will make your clone

CHORUS

2005-11-30T01:30:00.000+11:00

Jellyfish has requested that I give a sequel to my previous post about untrendy drinks by listing what drinks are trendy at the moment. Fucked if I know. I don't drink trendy anything (well, since we learnt a lot more about cocktail making the other day, my workmates and I have been making stupid, expensive coctails, but other than that...), and while the pub I work at is nice, it's not an uber-trendy inner-city bar or anything. What I DO know, however, is that trendy drinks are bullshit. People who buy drinks because they're "cool" are full of shit. You should buy drinks because you like them. Because you like alcohol. Things like Midori or Malibu aren't considered bogan drinks just because of their clientele, it's because they taste like manufactured, synthetic shit, and most people, especially those with a well-cultivated palate, don't enjoy that taste. But some do, and if that's what you enjoy, then just fucking drink it. For instance, I pretty much hate scotch. There are some great, expensive scotches out there... I just don't like them. But then, I love dry vermouth, which is about as untrendy as you can get. Most of the time, I just drink Carlton from the tap. My point: I don't drink trendy shit.

HOWEVER. If you want to look impressive for whatever reason, then I'll do my best... but remember that I'm no expert on alcohol. The point of this list is about looking cool, not a guide to the best tasting drinks. Because I really don't know.

Fresh Lime - Everyone wants fresh fucking lime at the moment. It's a pain in the arse, because most people ask for it in inappropriate drinks, and it's pretty expensive for bars to stock. But, in the right drink, it is great, and you'll look like an appropriately trendy wanker asking for "Frush Laaaaahm" (you have to ask for it in a stupid, affected upper crust accent). Ask for it with Vodka, Gin, or Bacardi. Frangelico on the rocks with fresh lime is a guaranteed trendy one for chicks, but the boys are already pushing it with the vodka, lime and sodas, so... maybe if you're trying to do the whole "bi-chic" thing (is bi even chic anymore?), but otherwise, no.
Expensive Alcohol - This should be an obvious one, but so many people don't get it, or they get it wrong. For instance, a gin and tonic with Bombay Sapphire (both trendy and smooth enough that you can probably down it even if you don't actually like gin) or Tanqueary (Tanqueary Ten if you're feeling particularly wealthy, but the more you pay, the more effort you should make to learn something about the spirit that you can wank on about to your friends and at least get your money's worth), and, of course frush laaaahm, is a pretty solid choice, because you can really taste something like gin in a G&T. On the other hand, expensive vodka is an easy trap. Unless you're somewhere particularly grotty, the house vodka will probably be OK. As long as it's fairly smooth, you won't be able to tell the difference in a trendy drink like a vodka cranberry (not super trendy, but a respectable choice... for now. It'll probably change in 6 months. Also, better with lemon than laaahm, in my opinion). Even a vodka soda will taste fine with most house vodkas. Request more expensive vodkas for strong or all-spirit cocktails (Absolut or Skyy or whatever mid-priced vodkas you can see are totally fine, but you can go all out and order Grey Goose or something if you really want. I imagine the fact that you've asked for a specific vodka will be impressive enough without breaking the bank, though). The point to remember is that vodka is flavourless, and most people know this, so unless you're drinking it straight (not trendy) or in a cocktail, it's lame to ask for anything special.

Dark spirits are even trickier. It is decidedly UNtrendy to order expensive dark spirits with post mix. Almost anything other than the house whiskey, bourbon, or rum with coke or dry is a very obvious no-no. That said, dark spirits are strong and distinctive, and it's OK to specify between low-aged drinks like Jim Beam and Cougar, or Black Douglas and Johnny Walker if you genuinely have a preference. Of course, drinks like bourbon and coke are fairly bogan, so... maybe this a moot point. The main thing is that it's MORE lame to ask for Woodford Reserve and coke or Laphroaig and dry than it is for a Jim Beam and Coke.
Beers are always contentious. I've noticed that most amber ales have been popular lately, and you'll definitely score points for avoiding the standard tap beers. A good bet is to go with any small, little-known, locally-brewed beer. Most of it tastes like piss (*coughmountaingoatcough*), but the less known it is, the less likely anyone is going to call you on it, and the more knowledgeable you'll look. The same rule applies to little-known import beers.

Other than that, stubbies of Coopers or Boags are always safe, I guess, but they're not really cool or uncool. Tooheys New is ALWAYS wrong. Tooheys Extra Dry isn't an awful beer, but it isn't trendy to drink it in pubs or bars. Save it for BBQs.
Wine... you're on your own. You can't really bluff knowledge of wine, and if you like it enough to drink it in pubs and bars, you should probably go to the trouble of learning a thing or two. That said, asking for a "house chardonnay" won't do you any favours (especially if you refer to it as a "chardy"). The best advice I can give is to check the wine list for a mid-priced wine and order it with confidence. DON'T order it by brand ("I'll have the Jacob's Creek"), unless you include the type ("I'll have the Jacob's Creek Semillon Sav Blanc"). DON'T order wines you can't pronounce (Viognier, Tempranillo, Sangiovese, etc). If it's included in the wine list, order the wine by the region ("I'll have the Marlborough Pinot Noir").

Don't order White Wine Spritzers or Champagne and Orange Juice.
Simple, Strong Shots - Sickly sweet novelty shots are vile, bogan, and deeply uncool. Clearly Cowboys are the worst, but Jam Donuts, Baby Guinness, Pancakes... blech and lame. If you need your shot to taste like something other than alcohol, you shouldn't be drinking it. Either keep it simple with a NICE tequila, or go for Jagermeister or Sambucca (neither of which are as trendy as they've been, but they're safe bets. Also, NOT jager bombs, because ew). If the place looks like it sells a few shots and has competent bartenders, find out in advance if they have a house specialty. The obscurity factor will be trendy and it won't be some fruity, pissweak shooter.

IF you are going to do the Absinthe thing, only buy good Absinthe. You'll be able to tell they have it because they'll have more than one. Ask what Absinthes they have and go for the more expensive. DON'T make a big deal out of it. It doesn't fuck you up as much as you think and you'll look stupid getting excited over the burning sugar or doing the way too loud, "Absinthe! Guys, I'm having ABSINTHE!!!" thing. Now I think about it, don't get all excited over ANY shot and talk in that, "Oh my God, we are so hardcore" voice, because... you're not. Indifference is always trendy.

Finally, don't do shots if you can't handle them. You'll screw up your face like a tard and look ugly and like a softcock.
Cocktails - even harder to bluff than wine. I'd just combine all the other advice into this one: If it's an all-alcohol cocktail then go upmarket with the brands but not if it's got lots of fruit or cream or whatever, keep it simple, don't order anything that will make you screw your face up (if you've never had a Martini, don't do it just to impress friends), and don't get all excited because "Ohmygwad, we're drinking cocktails, we're like, sooo trendy!"
MAKE SURE EVERYONE HEARS YOUR TRENDY FUCKING DRINK ORDER - There is NO point in taking any of my shonky advice if people don't HEAR it. After all, you're drinking these things to impress them, right? Make sure your cool friends or potential shags are in earshot, or it's money down the drain. And order with total confidence, even if you don't know what the hell you're asking for.

Or, you know, just buy drinks you like and tell your trendy friends to go fuck themselves.

2005-11-21T23:19:00.000+11:00

Because I spend far too much time making alcoholic drinks for people, I spend far too much time thinking about alcoholic drinks -- specifically, what is the deal with "fashionable" drinks? Why do some drinks go from being incredibly popular to totally lame? It's not as if the taste changes, so...

Anyway, I actually don't know the answer, but I still know what drinks will make you look like a bogan in front of your friends. Hell, I cringe at some orders, even though I don't know why half the time. Because of this, and because I like judging people, I thought I'd make up a list of alcohol no-nos. Keep in mind that my personal tastes aren't particularly trendy, I'm just kind of fascinated by trendy drinks. However, if I'm going to give a condescending look to a customer, it will be for ordering one of these drinks:

Cowboys - Are you a 12 year old girl? Because otherwise, no. Especially if you order them as "Cocksuckers" in an "Oh my God, I'm SOOO naughty!" voice or an "If you were on this side of the bar, I'd be slipping Rohypnol into your drink" voice
Midori Illusion Shakers - Not really a cocktail, not really a shooter, it's just... tacky. Especially those plastic shakers they come in. And the bogans who drink them act like they're imbibing something so incredibly alcoholic, but while recipes for this noxious drink vary, you're talking at most maybe 120-180mls of fairly mild alcohol in shitloads of pineapple juice. Rank.
Vodka Raspberry - Blech. These have well and truly been replaced by Vodka Cranberries, though it was never appropriate for guys to drink them.
Vodka Redbull - I drink like, 5 cans of this shit a night, but it's a tacky mix, it always costs more than it's worth, and it looks like piss.
RTDs/Pre-Mix cans and bottles - There is a hierarchy of grossness here, but rest assured that nothing that comes in a can or bottle except beer is even remotely cool. Premixed dark spirits are the worst (Jack and Coke, Woodstocks, etc), though frankly, if you're in an establishment that sells these in the first place, you're sort of beyond looking trendy with any drink. Next is anything else in a can (UDLs, Mike's Hard Lemonade, etc), and finally your bottled bitch drinks (Breezers, Cruisers). Six months ago, some might have let a Smirnoff Ice slide, but I bet the 15 year old kid next door to you drinks them, and they've peaked anyway, so nya. The basic point is - get your drink made up at the bar. Much better quality alcohol and mix, and you won't look like as much of a tool.
Stella Artois - One of the most overrated beers ever. Stella is bland and nasty, but people buy it because it's expensive, has a fancy sounding name, and very clever advertising campaigns. It is, however, an incredibly average beer, especially by Belgian standards, and drinking it is pretty much tantamount to announcing to the world that you're only drinking it to look good, because I promise you, any bar that sells Stella will sell plenty of superior beers. That said, you may impress other people that think Stella is a nice beer because of the fancy label, but more people than you may realise out there know a thing or two about beer.
Corona - See above. Not a terrible beer, per se, just vastly overrated, a fairly weak taste, and so cliched and wanky. Again, it's a marketing campaign and the illusion that any imported beer is nice that convinces people to pay more and skip over good beers... and they still come off looking like wankers.
Beer Mixes - If you don't like beer, don't drink it. Adding raspberry cordial or some shit like that is just embarrassing.
Tequila Slammers - Tequila on its own is good, but the lemon and salt thing is so university bar night. If you can't handle tequila, do something sweeter, but bulging out your eyes and screwing up your face like a tard while you try to suck on a piece of lemon because you're a softcock won't do you any favours.

Anyone care to add to this utterly pretentious and judgmental list?

2005-11-14T23:42:00.000+11:00

A list because I like lists:

Notice anything different? That's right, LOC has had an EXTREME makeover. Well... I did it while drinking coffee and exceeding the daily recommended intake of Strepsils, so... shut up. It was extreme. Anyway, thoughts, comments, criticisms and marriage proposals concerning the new design are welcome. I can always change it back, I guess.
I've been meaning to mention Found Photos for ages. It's just a collection of other people's photos that have been found through file sharing programs and stuff, but it's fascinating. I don't know why this site is interesting and, say, browsing through Google image searches is not - it's not as if the photos are great quality or anything. They're just very... unremarkable. Which is why they're great.
If you feel like going for a bit of a stroll tomorrow morning (or this morning, depending on when you read this), you'll be in good company and you might even see me there
Read this then sign this. You may not care, but your future children will
That is all

2005-11-10T01:37:00.000+11:00

Now seems as good a time as any to announce the winners of my 3-Second Musical Challenge.

That's right, I said "winnerS". Could that mean that there was MORE THAN ONE WINNER? A draw? A tie? A stalemate? A deadlock?

No. I put it in there to trick you. For there is only one winner, and that winner is no other than Thomas Reynolds, who managed to identify an impressive 16 songs. Good work.

The LOSERS were - in second place, former champions Team Funkwit with 15, third was kartar with 12, fourth place was taken by Fluffy on 11, and finally, some guy called Jake who sent me a really nice email got 10.5. Losers.

However, much like my primary school athletics carnivals, everybody wins a prize. Even that weird girl who always had nits and smelled of wee*. So anyone who wants one of my exciting mix CDs (even if you didn't try the challenge) can just email me their address (if you're worried about me stalking you - and believe me, that's a valid concern - feel free to send me your work address). For his efforts, Thomas will get something extra special that I haven't thought of yet.

Oh yeah, the answers. They were:

Warren Zevon - Werewolves of London
Veruca Salt - Volcano Girls
The Flaming Lips - Do You Realize?
The Saints - Know Your Product
Meat Puppets - Lake of Fire
Richard Marx - Hazard
Weezer - Hashpipe
Queens of the Stoneage - The Lost Art Of Keeping a Secret
Pat Benetar - Love is a Battlefield
Greenday - Longview
Erasure - Chains of Love
The Boxtops - The Letter
Donovan - Sunshine Superman
Def Leppard - Pour Some Sugar On Me
Run DMC - It's Tricky
Van Halen - Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love
The Beatles - I Am The Walrus
The Specials - A Message to You Rudy
Dern Rutlidge - Lines On The Table
Butthole Surfers - Pepper

A quick roundup: No one got 5 or 19. 5 was the version that wasn't as famous as its cover - the song is better known for the Nirvana version on "Unplugged". Interestingly, most people assumed that I was referring to Joe Cocker version of The Letter here. You were wrong. Ben was the only person to get 11. Most people expressed embarrassment at knowing number 6.

Thanks for playing.

* Mum said I was just a late bloomer and that I was beautiful on the inside

2005-11-03T03:54:00.000+11:00

Could it be time for another 3-Second Musical Challenge (by which I mean: do I have essays to avoid writing?)? I think the answer is: yes.

The rules are: I have made an mp3 of the first three (3) seconds of twenty (20) songs. You must identify as many as you can. Email me at "lineofcontempt AT gmail DOT com" with your answers. Don't worry if you only get a few, you'd be surprised how bad most people are at this (I'm only good at it because I choose the songs). Also, you may be the only person to identify a certain song, in which case you get the opportunity to be a Pitchfork-esque music snob in my comments. Also, I tend to give out prizes. Also, I tend to give them to everyone, because I'm a prize whore.

The audio track is here (right click and "save as")

Don't write the answers in the comments section.

As usual, I will provide some fairly useless hints: there are two Australian bands; one song is far less famous than its cover version; At least five of these songs aren't at all cool; Uhm.... I can't think of any more. Frankly, I think this is a pretty easy batch. Get to it.

2005-10-29T17:36:00.000+10:00

Bands and artists whose appeal I will never understand (apart from really obvious ones like Creed)

Sublime
Pearl Jam
Tool
Built to Spill
Bob Marley
System of a Down
Phish

That was actually pretty hard. Try it yourself. Not just bands you don't like, but bands you can't see how any other person could conceivably like.

2005-10-18T11:01:00.000+10:00

Grrr, motherfucking memes. I have to write 20 facts about myself. Yawn. I've seen this one around for ages and always considered a total wank for people to blatantly show off, so I'll take a leaf out of Mikey's book and just write pointless shit. Too bad.

I like watching kids' tv
I thought "Go-Go Stop" was the worst kids' game show, but it has been replaced by a worse one called "It's Academic" featuring the sleaziest host and the least interesting children in the world
I miss "The Big Arvo" and I hate myself for it
My mother told me that I was not to become a heroin addict no less than three times last night after watching Australian Story
The chick on Australian Story last night became a heroin addict after doing an honours degree and having nothing to do afterwards. I probably won't even finish my basic undergraduate course at this rate and almost certainly won't have anything to do afterwards. Great.
My dogs are barking so I should feed them, but I don't want to
I hate girls who think they're hot when they dance so they close their eyes and scrunch up their face and rub their hands all over their bodies while grinding their crotches against boys. Actually, that shit is probably fine in clubs and blue light discos, but I hate when they do it to like, rock music or whatever in pubs and bars
The first time I ever danced was when I was about 16 at a warehouse party with my bandmates where everyone else was at least 30. We got drunk on Stone's Green Ginger Wine. I couldn't dance. At all. But we were drunk and almost everyone had gone home and I don't think anybody noticed
I've probably gotten better at it, but I still have to be pretty drunk
I judge people on their appearance all the time, and so do you, so shut up and accept it
I will cease being a teenager in 6 days and I'm shit scared about it
The thing I think about more than anything else is what songs I would play on Rage if I ever got to guest program
I can't drive, and never even bothered to go for my learner's permit. I'm pretty certain that I never will
When I was 15, I used to read existential and Marxist philosophy during school because I thought it would make me look cool, even though I didn't really understand it. In retrospect, it didn't make me look cool
I think the best poster on my wall is a Stone Roses one and the worst one is probably a Jimi Hendrix one, because it's a bit cliched and I haven't really listened to Hendrix since I was 16
Should I take all the posters off my wall when I stop being a teenager?
I hate physical activity now, but loved it as a kid. Over the years, I did: swimming, football, creative dancing, basketball, tae kwon do, ballet, netball, bowling, and gymnastics. I still do one of those things.
I caved in and fed the dogs
Is it 20 yet?
Yes

LAME. I will now inflict this upon... no one. Or anyone who wants to do it.

2005-10-07T09:14:00.000+10:00

I have another moral question from the pub, but before I explain, I probably owe you all a post mortem on the last one, given people offered some excellent and considered advice.

Unfortunately, SG got the tattoo the following week and had it by the next time I saw him, so I didn't get to really have much effect. He was sitting around drinking after work with his shirt half open, obviously looking to show it off, but everyone was pretty uncomfortable about it and I'd heard a few hushed discussions. Eventually, he managed to bring it up, though, and showed everyone. Horrible ugly black thing on his chest (at least it's not as visible as it might have been, I suppose). I came into the conversation late...

SG: ...yeah, like, I showed me Asian mates, and they weren't offended by it
Ruth: With all due respect to your mates, SG, Hitler didn't exactly kill a lot of Asians
SG: Yeah, but it's not even about Hitler, I just really like the symbol. Like, Head Security Guy made me research it before I got it done, and did you know it was around 100 years before Christ?! That's what really convinced me
Workmate: Well, a lot of symbols were around 100 years before Christ...
SG: Yeah, but this one is religious. Just because Hitler used it too...
Ruth: Except that that is very clearly a Nazi swastika, not a Hindu one. There's quite a bit of difference.
SG: Well, I don't care. I'm not trying to make a statement or nothing
Workmate: But... you ARE making a statement, because it's a symbol that you know will offend people
SG: Well, I'm not trying to offend them. If people are offended, then they can just build a bridge and get over it. And like I said, even my Asian mates aren't offended by it
Ruth: I'm offended by it. A lot of my friends and family are Jewish, and I, like the vast majority of the western world, find it to be a really offensive symbol
SG: So you think I'm a bad person and you hate me?
Ruth: No, I think you're a good person who's done a stupid thing and I think you'll probably face some really bad consequences later in life because of it, but I don't hate you. I just think that you're going to have to accept that regardless of what you think your motivations for getting that tat were, you KNOW that people will be offended by it and therefore having it IS going to be seen as a statement to other people
SG: Well, I don't care. They can just get over it... I'm thinking of getting a Eureka flag next
Ruth (channeling Darp): You realise how many foreigners were in the Eureka Stockade?
SG: Oh, I don't care, I just like the symbol...

So I give up. The next night he was claiming the tattoo was a statement against his Aboriginal mother, so who the fuck knows. He did tell me a lot about his life, though, and it became patently clear that he has bigger issues (a son, for one, which... christ) than a few people being offended by a tattoo, so I guess I understand why he doesn't really understand or care about the significance of it.

ANYWAY. My new moral dilemma is far less weighty, but I'm just interested in what people think. Every Monday at our pub, we have a member's draw. A number is drawn out of a hat or something, and if it's your membership number, you win money. The prize increases by $100 each week until someone wins it. The problem is that because it's free to become a member, there are about 400 of them. And only 5 who show up regularly on a Monday. Thus the jackpot has gotten to $4300. Two of the regulars are the most regular regulars that ever regulared. They're there every day, and don't have to order drinks, because it's just expected that you'll pour them a fresh pot as soon as they finish one. And they get very pissy if it's not done straight away, because they LOVE to complain. The music, the prices, the service... everything. I know that people like having a sense of ownership about their local, and they're otherwise good for a bit of a chat, but fuck it's annoying.

These two have been desperate to win the member's draw and are convinced that they are the only people who deserve it because they have been there every Monday and put a lot of money into the bar. We're regularly treated to sermons on how it will be grossly unfair if anyone else gets that money.

As the total has been getting stupidly high, most of us (ESPECIALLY the regulars) were of the view that something needed to change, or it was just never going to go off. Making people re-join the membership list to cull the numbers, drawing it over and over again until someone who was present won... something to end things. But the owner wanted to just keep letting it jackpot as long as it took... until yesterday, when he put a sign up announcing that if it doesn't go off on Monday, he's donating it all to Oxfam.

The two regulars were ropeable. Fuming. "We're here every week, expecting to have a chance to win that money, and now he's just giving it away? That's fucked. He just wants to look like a nice guy... blah blah blah" The thing is, I kind of understand where they're coming from. They have shown up every Monday because there was the opportunity to win money, only to have the owner change his mind. But at the same time, it's not like they need the money like the people who would be receiving it do, and well, they're at the pub every other night, so I think it's pretty likely that they'd be there on Mondays anyway, so maybe they should just cram it. I personally would rather see the money go to charity than to providing them with more beer money.

So what do people think - Do they have a right to be pissed off? Or should they get the hell over it because it's going to a good cause and there was no guarantee that they would end up winning the money, anyway?

2005-10-05T16:10:00.000+10:00

It's John Howard's Mailbox time! The people are real, the letters are real, the rulings are... final (must stop watching Judge Judy, but god DAMN it's funny). Anyway. Let's start with kids, because it's fun to laugh at them.

Dear John Howard

I am a boy from Jondaryan QLD my name is **** I am 10 years old. I'm asking about the aborinjeniys in front of old parliament, I my self think it is disgusting and horrible it is setting a bad excemple for your country,
Why haven't you done something about it.

Dear Mr john Howard,

I am ********* and i was wondering if you could provide the people without a home, a home. I think every person shall have a home, water, and food. I also want to help these people but as im only 12 I have to wait till im older. My dream is to become a famous singer and actress like Hilary Duff. And school, there's quite a few things wrong- public scholl dont have to wear evrything their uniform color, at least the top is enough. And our school is going a bit funny but anyway that will be fine" i think". I wanted to tell you that I m! et you at the begening of the year. Sometimes I go on the internet and i see things like " the germans have to get over this and that" and this is on 1 of you rwebsites though i cant remember which 1. Now because im German i wanted to tell you that these things can hurt people's feeling, and it would be nice to remove that so others feelings wont be the same as mine.

thankyou very much.

ps- when i met you all yopu said was hello and while i was talking to you, you turned around. I dont think others want that.

Kids are dumb. Speaking of which, the crazy woman is back...

This email went to Clover Moore .... I wonder if I will get any response from this email .....

Today, I met Carole, a 34 yr old Aboriginal female, she was sitting on steps in Glebe Point Road, begging for money to go to some Hostel to take a shower. Carol was filthy, she was also hungry, I took her to Broadway for breakfast, where she hungrily tucked into an egg, bacon, cheese toasted sandwich with a can of coke. Carol told me of her life, and she also showed me the many scars she has on her body from domestic violence from a boyfriend.

I would like liked to take Carol home with me and give her a nice hot bath etc. But I do not own the unit I reside in. Carol said that a female police officer at Glebe Clancy ? I cannot remember her name, Carol said that she was very good and understanding and a caring person.

After we left Broadway, she took me to this bridge ... I couldn't believe it, this is where she stays ? She had a doona, and other items, in fact her entire belongings - which weren't much. No shower, no toilet, no tooth brush - were under this bridge which she calls home ???? This is terrible .... it is disgusting ..... I still feel guilty about not trying to try and get her some decent accommodation. I did give her some money. She hugged and thanked me, the same old scenario. But this is not the answer ....... I want action ......

Carol told me she had attended Sydney Uni and was doing her HSC when she met this man who she said turned her off the track. Well it is not to late to get Carol back on track with some help. She is a very well spoken girl, and intellect, she just needs someone to help her get back on track. I want that opportunity to do that for these people.

I have helped many Aboriginal people in my time, (I studied their culture at Newcastle Uni for 4 yrs). I also spent 2 wks in NT ....... Another very sad situation.

I want to help people like Carol, and I would like you to appoint me to a position where I can find accommodation and safe places for female and male of Aboriginal culture.

I would like you to please contact me on ********.. mobile *********. I am not a bleeding heart do gooder .... I just happen to care .....

There are plenty of well off people around Sydney who could band together and help set up a proper safe place for the homelessness Aboriginals.

But then she decided she wanted a different job...

hi Joe, et al

Well here I am again, no response from my past emails ... God, I want a job like that, please let me know when I can start ....!!!!

Contract employment .... no rights ..... yeah another Maternity leave contract, finishes 23 Dec 2005, what a great xmas present ... wow ..... no other offers of employment ... oh hell the budget, etc .. same bullshit ....... I personally don't know how you lot can sleep at night ..... beats me mate ? But I suppose if you are 'permanent' and on a good salary, why put yourself out like someone like me ???? I have put up with harassment ... but hey .... I have no rights ...... another black mark against me for trying to do my work ..... nah does not work that way ... seen as a trouble maker, a boat rocker ... who needs people like me ? End their contract and piss them off never to be re-employed in this area again ..... yeah same thing ... right thoughout my career. I want to become a Politician, I have studied politics .... I shall attach my CV ... So someone out there ... hello .. pls give me a chance ? I do hope my CV will harm me .... Mark Latham spoke out and look what happened to him ......

I shall await your call to commence employment, I am very good, in fact I am perfect ..... I give myself 100% ..... Just give me a go ok ? I am Australian ... born and bred, we are a dying race us true blue Aussies .... ?

And then... it was all the faults of foreigners again

hi,

Get this .... Dear Ms *******
>
>Thank you for your email to Senator Patterson, in order to provide you with
>a written response, would you please send your postal address.
>Thank you
>
>MINCORR
>Ministerial Correspondence Unit
>Department of Family and Community Services

You have asked for my address, that is not addressing this problem, you will write and state that you have sent my issue to some other party .... not on !!!!!!!... Been there done that ........ Nothing will be addressed.

I must admit you are the only party who did respond ... I did however get another one similar to your mths and mths ago ..... That was on my issue of 'contract work' ..No 'rights' etc .... never heard another thing ..Yes, I sent heaps of emails in regard to this issue ... Nothing ! ..... What exactly do you lot do ? Can you please employ me ? The only thing is, I am a worker who does put in ........ So I guess I am unemployable ...... I don't meet the criteria......

I think my emails just get put in the vexatious litigant basket ... Don't answer McNamara ....... she has raised some REAL issues .... We can't have that ......

You phone me and let's talk ...... let's get some real action. Strange how all these Muslims et al can dictate how they want our Australia run their way ......... ??????? And they have been very successful !!!!! ..Change of school uniforms to accommodate their religion, no Santa at kindergartens or schools anymore once again to accommodate these foreigners ........ Have a look at the surnames of the criminals ..... They are not Australian ... They should be sent back to their country of origin ..Even if they are born in Australia, send the whole family back to where they come from ....... They know Australia is an easy touch ... hey a few days in jail then out again ....... Or not even that ??????

2005-09-21T21:40:00.000+10:00

Yesterday I was bored in a Contemporary Australian Politics lecture, so I drew pictures of stupid faces people make when they're drunk and ordering drinks. We love imitating the faces back at the customers so they can see how stupid they look.

2005-09-19T01:45:00.000+10:00

I don't do serious posts very often, but this may be one. Sorry.

The other night after work, I was sitting down and having some drinks with a few workmates after a particularly cunty night. I went out of the room for a bit, and when I came back, I caught the end of one of the security guy's sentences...

SG: ... said she'll respect me less if I get that tattoo
Ruth: Oh, what tattoo are you getting?
SG: Nah, I can't say. You won't like it at all.
Ruth (thinking a naked chick or something): Aw, come on, I'm not easily offended
SG: I'm getting a swast
Workmate: A swastika? Seriously?
SG: Yeah
Ruth: Uhm... why?
SG: Because I'm racist. I mean, I'm a nice guy, but I just don't like some people. Like refugees, 'n that. I mean, I have Asian friends and stuff, but most people from other countries I just don't like. Especially when they speak their gobbledygook tongues at me. That shits me. Also, it's a cool design.

Now, I knew this guy was a fairly ignorant sort, and I'd previously stuck up for him to workmates, because I think (thought?) he WAS a nice guy, but just really uneducated. He had an shitty childhood in the country, was a messed-up kid, and now, at about the age of 21 or 22 or something has cleaned himself up and is trying to make a decent go of it, which I thought admirable. He's a sweet guy without many friends and I didn't mind him hanging out with us when we went out, because he was always so excited to be going to ANY city bar or pub. I don't condone racism, but any racist comments he'd made had really sounded more ignorant than malicious, so I'd just tried to keep conversation topics simple.

SG: It may cause problems, though. So I reckon I'll get it on my chest. [Head Security Guy] is gonna do it for me.

Something clicked there. I'd noticed that the design on Head Security Guy's bike and a tattoo of his I caught a glimpse of looked remarkably like a modified, stylised swastika, but thought it was just coincidence. Maybe it still is, though I doubt it. I can't imagine anyone being willing to tattoo a swastika on someone's chest unless they condoned it.

SG: But I bet you'll lecture me or something. I am really a nice guy. You know that.
Ruth: I'm not going to lecture you, but you do have to understand that by getting that as a tattoo, you're not just making a statement about refugees or a dislike of foreign languages, you're identifying yourself as a supporter of the Nazi party and everything that they were responsible for
Workmate: You're supporting the genocide of millions of people
SG: Nah, but like... did you know that it's actually a religious symbol?
Ruth: Yes, I did, but you've admitted that that isn't why you're getting it, and the Nazi swastika is fairly distinctive in design from the Hindu one. Is it really something you feel SO strongly about? It's a huge statement to make.

Then my cab came and I left. On good terms. I wasn't judgmental, I didn't lecture.... but should I have? I still think it's more ignorance than anything else, and he just doesn't realise how serious a thing it is to do, but clearly it's something he feels more strongly about than I realised. So do you stop being friendly to a person because they're racist? Should a tattoo mean that I should stop shaking his hand and saying a friendly g'day when I get to work?

And what about Head Security Guy? SG is young, simple, and very easily influenced, but HSG is not. They're both otherwise lovely guys who do their job professionally with minimum violence and force, but I can't deny I'm really uneasy about it now. Should I not invite certain friends to visit me at work?

Am I being too tolerant? Should I have been more vocal in my opposition to this? I can't believe I'm asking this question, but:

Is it OK to be friends with a Neo-Nazi?

2005-09-18T16:46:00.000+10:00

Blogging By Request

So a while ago, I asked for topics and said I'd blog about them, but then you gave me a bunch of zzzzzzzzzzzzzz topics (no offense, guys, but... seriously). However, because I'm all honorable and shit, I'll write about them ANYWAY.

What's it like been a motivationless husk of a person?

Depressing, but I'm strangely resigned to being absolutely drained of any creative or writing ability. Bring on the mediocre job in the public service I'll no doubt inhabit one day.

There's always that thing in New Orleans...

There is, but... meh. Not that I don't care, it's just... it's sad and yes, George Bush is hopeless and hates black people, and ahaha, aren't some religious people just stupid for believing that it was an act of god in revenge for the gays, but that's all been said a zillion times before, so yawn.

How bout crap university tutors

Vaguely on that topic - I'm doing two sociology subjects this semester and the wank is overwhelming. One of the subjects is full of Development Studies students (ie wankers), but the tutes are separated so we don't have to put up with their cliquey bullshit. Each week we're supposed to write a short "reflection" on one of the readings and a few questions "inspired" by it. Most people, like myself, just make up some bullshit question to satisfy the criteria. For instance, one of my questions last week was:

"Why does the writer believe that "radical democracy" is "clearly at odds" with "social minorities"?" (My mother is a sociologist, and the best piece of advice she ever gave me was to put EVERYTHING in inverted commas because sociology and anthropology lecturers and tutors cream themselves over it. It's true)

Now, a) I don't know the answer, b) I don't care about the answer, and c) I'm not even sure exactly what I was asking because I only browsed the reading and picked a random passage. But that's what all the other arts students do and OUR tutor doesn't care because he seems to find it all as boring as we do.

Anyway, last week our tutor was away, so we ended up with the Development Studies losers and their knitted beanies. They droned on and on and on while we slept and felt stupid and uncomfortable. And then the questions came and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed, because THAT GUY (you know THAT GUY - he's the one who asks questions during lectures and sets his own essay topics an does extra credit assignments and brown-noses the lecturer and actually takes the subject seriously and then wonders why no one will talk to him) had proposed the question (and yes, I wrote it down because it was so funny):

"Is modernisation simply a glorified term meaning to move from a diversified economic system to an economic system which has a far more concentrated distribution of wealth? Do the overtones of innovation implied in the term hide, and therefore aid and abet, its rampaging homogenisation of the global economy?"

I'm not going to explain why this is funny, but I think anyone who's ever studied sociology or the like will understand.

Organise a grogblog. Somewhere more boho than the last one. In town, that is, I didn't go to the restaurant. Don't hold it in a restaurant, I don't wanna get stuck next to someone who blogs about football or something...

No, but heh.

Why don't you write about your gigs? Surely you've come across some nutbags you can whinge about.

Hmm, apart from this one, they've been pretty uneventful. Sorry.

What about writing about your favorite memory from grade school?

I really enjoyed primary school, but I honestly can't think of one specifically good memory. I loved Friday lunch orders from the canteen - the one day a week they had hot food. I would get a sausage roll, one of those little squeezy sauces, an orange prima, and a caramel jupiter bar. Friday was also inter-school sport day, which I liked. We'd don our yellow polo shirts and play against the other local primary schools. I played bat-tennis, softball, and netball. Question: Do bat-tennis and rounders exist as actual sports outside primary schools?

Who would you get to play YOU in the movie of you??

I have no idea. Some people say Thora Birch in "Ghost World", which I still haven't seen, so who knows. Younger me... when I was a kid, there was this great tv show about two best friends growing up and going through puberty and they were opposites and one was a tomboy and I think her name was "Busi" or something and I can't for the life of me remember what the show was called but she gets to be younger Ruth.

So... um.... how's this weather we're having?

Crap. It got all nice and warm and then *bam* cold again. Fuck you, Melbourne.

2005-09-08T01:29:00.000+10:00

2005-09-05T17:29:00.000+10:00

Well EXCU-HUSE me for having a life and being too busy to update this stupid website. Also, excuse me for lying in that last sentence, because really, I've just been lazy. In that spirit, this will possibly be the laziest post ever...

I've run out of things to say. I have nothing to write about. I'm boring. So, I'm going to let YOU come up with my topics. Suggest something in the comments, and I will write about it. Questions, lists, whatever. If people want to whinge about my lack of updating, this is my solution. Get commenting.

2005-08-15T21:37:00.000+10:00

Boo, Australia. BOO.

"The Left have to win something in this country!" Declared my ABC-watching, latte-sipping, middle-aged lefty mother, before taking out her mobile phone and voting for a program she'd never watched before tonight. "If that Tim doesn't win, it will be a disgrace!"

And so it was that my mother defied her non-commercial-tv-watching ways to join me in yelling at a screen for the ten minutes of content stretched out to two hours that was the Big Brother '05 finale. Thus, I will share her running commentary:

"What is that girl wearing? Where is her bra? Oh, that boy is horrible... because he has a horrible nose ring, Ruth. It's very ugly. Come ON, Gretel, get on with it! These twins are so... boring. They won't win. WHAT? WHAT? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS COUNTRY?! Very. Disappointing."

Word, Mum. Word.

2005-08-13T14:11:00.000+10:00

Pencil it in, suckers...

There's probably a door charge, but I don't know what it is. My band will be on about 8:30.

Oh, AND:

I'm not going to pay money to vote or anything, but I love me a bit of Lefty Tim, with his newly buff body and his totally buff BRAIN.

2005-08-11T01:33:00.000+10:00

Yay! More letters from the crazy woman to John Howard:

Listen I need a dictaphone that has the standard large cassette ... can someone out there help me out ??? I need this for work reasons .... I am once again filling in for a Maternity Leave .... status ... the story of my life .. but I need this dictaphone. can someone pls help me?

pls send this item to my address :

***********

I would really appreciate this help - it is to do with my 'contract' employment .....

And then...

Yes, here I am trying to do my work, but I need a Dictaphone that takes the large cassette with earphones and foot pedal.

Pls get bck to me asap .. and pls provide me with this item.

Mobile: ********** ... There must be hundreds of this dictaphone I need around the govt dept that I need .....

Pls send to *********

I will have to look up that party who has replaced Bob Carr and see if he can obtain this dictaphone that I need asap.... Yes work related ....... hello hello ...

Now, last time a few people missed the humour in these emails. It isn't that she's crazy per se (though that's a bit funny, too) but mainly that she sends these emails to the Prime Minister. And not just Johnny, either. She also sent these emails to: Kim Beazley, Kevin Andrews, Joe Hockey, Barbara Richards, Peter Dutton, Tanya Plibersek, Kay Patterson, Gary Nairn, Steve Whan, Helen Coonan, and Rachael Forbes.

I love the crazy email lady.

2005-08-09T02:50:00.000+10:00

I know that - whilst being thoroughly entertaining and hilarious - Chick Tracts rarely make a whole heap of sense, but the narrative of the latest one is totally mind-boggling, even by Chick's own standards. The woman says something, the man argues with her, then he totally confirms what she had originally argued, and she gets all "Wow, I never thought of it like that", EXCEPT THAT SHE TOTALLY HAD BECAUSE THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT SHE WAS ARGUING TO BEGIN WITH. Wasn't she? I'm so confused.

Can someone please explain this one to me? While you're at it, feel free to attempt an explanation of the bizarre hair-stealing sub-plot going on in the background.

While you're there, have a read of my all-time favorite tract, "Angels?", containing the classic quotes:

"Then I'll give you a little wedding present... some AIDS"

And

"Everything's ashes. Bobby died of AIDS, Jim O.D.'d

And Don is into Vampirism"