Seeing as Aunty aren't even playing it this year, I thought I'd bring you this LOC exclusive:

posted by Ruth at 4:27 AM

So Merry Christmas and all that shit. Here is a bunch of pictures of kids being scared by Santa Claus. I love how half the Santas look like crack addicts. I'd smoke crack if I had to put up with kids all day, too.

My favourite is this one:

posted by Ruth at 7:19 PM

RIP Melbourne Lefty.

(The blog, not the blogger. As far as I know, Jeremy is still alive)

posted by Ruth at 1:13 AM

Questions ripped shamelessly from Dan

1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
   Voted. And didn't that just work out swell?
   
   
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
   I didn't make any. I could resolve to try harder at uni next year - like going to at least a few lectures, or starting essays the night before they're due, instead of the night after - but I'd only be lying to myself. Though in all likelihood, I will make this resolution to my parents. I've told them that every year since about grade 4, and if they don't know better than to believe me by now, they deserve to be lied to.
   
   
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
   Yes, the fucking possum in the wall next to my bed. If there's one thing I hate more then disgusting vermin, it's LOUD, disgusting vermin that keeps me awake at night and breeds MORE loud, disgusting vermin that keeps me... awaker at night.
   
   
4. Did anyone close to you die?
   No.
   
   
5. What countries did you visit?
   Well, that really depends on whether playing Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego counts... which I have decided it does. I went all over the world chasing VILE Henchmen to recover stolen treasures, and meeting unusually helpful and observant locals.
   
   
6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
   Some direction in life... no wait, money. Yeah, money.
   
   
7. What dates from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
   Pretty uneventful year all round, really. I guess the election on October 9 (I think? Yeah, way to etch that, Ruth) because I'm lame like that and am quite possibly turning into my parents ("Oh, I remember where I was when Whitlam was dismissed..." etc)
   
   
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
   Another three years of the Howard Blog
   
   
9. What was your biggest failure?
   Another three years of the Howard Blog
   
   
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
    I had really bad tonsillitis early in the year and had to get THREE needles in my arse. Thanks a lot, Howard Florey, you sadistic cunt.
    
    
11. What was the best thing you bought?
    Most of the little money I had went on alcohol and CDs, so... alcohol and CDs.
    
    
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
    Certainly not mine... anyone who bought me alcohol, I guess. It's the way to my heart.
    
    
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
    So so sooo many to choose from, but I'm going to go with my old boss, for consistently finding new ways to breach health and safety laws. From picking at the salad bar with his bare hands to proudly wearing half his dinner on his shirt while working, he did an outstanding job making me feel ill all year.
    
    
14. Where did most of your money go?
    See Question 11
    
    
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
    Seeing David Bowie.
    
    
16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
    Shitkicker by The Atomix Bitchwax. On my walkman during long, cold bus trips, while falling asleep in the uni library, playing my shitty tele-copy guitar along in my room and pulling rock moves.
    
    
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
    a) happier or sadder? I wouldn't say "sadder", but I had just finished yr12 this time last year, so I was pretty fucking happy
    b) thinner or fatter? Same
    c) richer or poorer? Poorer
    
    
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
    Probably heaps of things, but hakuna matata, too late now.
    
    
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
    See above.
    
    
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
    With relatives, eating and drinking and aggravating our middle class guilt by exchanging gifts.
    
    
21. Did you fall in love in 2004?
    No.
    
    
22. How many one-night stands?
    Not enough.
    
    
23. What was your favourite TV programme?
    Oooh, hard... Iron Chef or Little Britain, I think.
    
    
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
    I think I hate Tony Abbott more than I did last year, but there's no new additions to my death-wish list.
    
    
25. What was the best book you read?
    Tough one again... Between Silk and Cyanide by Leo Marks or Against All Enemies by Richard A. Clark or... bah, too many.
    
    
26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
    These questions are too hard... Kid Dakota, Radar Bros, Unicorns, theredsunband
    
    
27. What did you want and get?
    I wanted a Coke today, so I stole some money and bought one.
    
    
28. What did you want and not get?
    Change of Government both here and in the US.
    
    
29. What was your favourite film of this year?
    Fucking hell. I bet I'm forgetting some really good ones, but I may go with either Mayor of Sunset Strip or The Corporation
    
    
30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
    I turned 19. I went to see The Bronx, and at the exact time of my birth, I was sitting in the Moser Room wondering what the fuck I was doing there.
    
    
31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
    A record contract? A million dollars? I dunno, what a stupid question.
    
    
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
    Thrifty. I was too poor to afford clothes this year. Case in point: these are the shoes I wear basically every day -
    
    
    
    
33. What kept you sane?
    Who said I stayed sane?
    
    
34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
    Fuck, I can't even think of anyone off the top of my head. Meh.
    
    
35. What political issue stirred you the most?
    Take your pick - war, asylum seekers, public education, Medicare, the environment... everything annoyed me this year.
    
    
36. Who did you miss?
    Rob Elliott hosting Wheel of Fortune. Shut up.
    
    
37. Who was the best new person you met?
    Ah man, I met heaps of awesome people this year. I love ALL of you.
    
    
38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004:
    Uhm... no.
    

posted by Ruth at 2:51 AM

Vlado is kindly running the 2005 Australian Blog Awards. Now, some may say that THE HOWARD BLOG WAS TOTALLY FUCKING ROBBED LAST YEAR, YOU STUPID CUNTING VOTERS. WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING, FUCKWITS? Clearly I wouldn't say that, because I'm gracious and shit, but some may.

Fuck this blog. It's half-arsed, and well... look at the entry below this one. It's lazy shit. But come on voters, if you let Howard win once this year, you can do it again.

Vote early, vote often, etc.

Go. Attack.

posted by Ruth at 3:07 AM

Feel the power of my artistic and calligraphic skills as we continue through the Illustrated Adventures of Ruth...



Is it in poor taste to make Mattie Stepanek jokes? Meh.

posted by Ruth at 6:51 PM

This post is really fucking long. Sorry

Last week, I shared a few gems from the John Howard Mailbag. Normally these freaks just write one letter and I never hear from them again. A shame, really, given some of them are genuinly piss-funny, and let's face it, without stupid people to laugh at, I'd be like a... Line of Contempt post without a stupid analogy. Or something. Anyway, for a change of pace, one of our friends from last time DID write again. And again. And again. And I'm finding the whole thing really fascinating. One batty email has turned into a bizarre tale of Centerlink, diets, drugs, racism, maternity leave, and addressing MPs by their first name.

It all started with this letter from last time:

hi John,

I do hope you are back on Aussie land terra firma ? Listen mate, I need employment ok ? Do you think you cld help me obtain employment John?

At present I have relocated to *****, nice place, but I am unemployed, and I am also borrowing money from a friend, which is against my upbringing John.

I cannot obtain Centrelink help .... because I happen to own my home in *****. Jesus what a crime mate ..... and yet there are people here right in ***** who have access to Centrelink benefits, who live in a million dollar abodes John ... Get that.. yeah they have the Health Care Card ... Listen I need pills too John, I have high blood pressure, do you or Janet suffer from this heath issue.

Yea, contract work John ... never worked and never will have a look at my resume, all fill-ins for permanent staff before the contract work came in .... yeah that is me John ...... Now unemployed ... and my feelings are one of guilt, I hate owing people money John ... I know you can't relate to this because you have never experienced this ... This is the real world John ..... I shall attach my Resume and I hope to God, I am Catholic John, so I hope you do not hold that against me .... But I am entitled to employment like everyone else. I notice a hell of a lot of non Aussie's names there John .... hello .. they have employment .... non speaking English but they are employed John ....

So I look forward to working with you John on your payroll. I am a true blue Aussie and very reliable .... pls read my CV ok .... And let me know which dept I commence employment with ? Pls get bck to me asap ok .... I hate being unemployed and owing money to my friend ......

As I said last time, I would have thought this was a piss-take if not for the fact that she really did attach a real resume and contact details. Now, reading between the lines of this email, I was pretty sure what this woman was trying to say without explicitly saying it was, "I am white and unemployed, and there are non-white people who have jobs and that isn't fair. Give me a job because I am white." This email also tipped me off that the woman may be a LITTLE batty, but seriously, I had no idea.

The same day, I got another email:

Hi,

I have now relocated to *****, and I am living off a friend, this is not on mate.

I have paid my taxes, I do not have any drug problems I just want employment mate, pls help me, I am going to the media on this issue it is just not on.

Frankly, I'd feel more comfortable if this woman WAS on drugs. Sure would explain a lot.

Three days later, I get this email, sent to Amanda Vanstone and CCd to myself (Howard), Stan Hope, Steve Whan, and Gary Nairn (apologies for all the deleted words, but I'm trying to make this less illegal):

hi Amanda,

My name is **** ********, and I have just relocated to ******, to hopefully find employment.

I know you are SA. But mate I need your help here, I saw you today on the Parliament sitting, and thought you did ok. When you said that outside review's were a waste. Which I strongly believe they are. You are right you need people within the Public Service who know the ins and outs of what is wrong. And these people are the ones to have their say. Hopefully, it is in the interests of the public and no their own interest.

I am caught between the devil and the deep blue sea whatever, since contract came in and Mat/Pat Leave, I have not rights. I did not ask for contract work. This is discriminatory, where are my rights for Mat Leave and all the benefits that permanent staff get? There are not any. When I had my children, you worked out your financial status, then you resigned from your job, and that allowed someone else to be employed, I thought that was fair enough. My position was not held over for 12 months or whatever time I chose to keep getting pregnant. I did not ask for contract work to be introduced .... Who made these decisions? Males ? who were very well off ? What about people like me and others ? What about people who chose not to have children, or can't have children, where are their rights?

[snip]

While was I was working in between work, I had faxed and faxed the Centrelink dept asking them not to put any money in my account as I was employed, but they took no notice now I owe them $1064.00. And they claim they paid me $5,000 in the last financial year .... I have asked for the paperwork where I had requested this money, they have not responded.

Amanda, I need your help mate pls ... I have sent off email after email to MP's and Ombudsman, but they just buck shove me around the system.

I do not do drugs, alcohol .... I love to work .... but this contract work is not on.

I shall attach what I have forwarded to these people. I wld like to go public .... Amanda wld you pls back me ?

I would like to get into the political arena and stand up for people like me, who are in this situation. This is the REAL world ........

Huh. I'm sure the Minister for Immigration cares. Attached to this email was a rather lengthy and poorly written letter addressed to no one in particular, basically reiterating the same shit. I won't copy it here because it has too much personal info, but it did contain the opening line "My name is **** ********, and I was born in 1945." 1945? Makes this woman almost 60. Making her diatribe about maternity leave a bit odd. A letter to Gary Nairn was also attached:

Another day for more concern re employment

I would also like to raise the question of these permanent staff who have added benefits, some of these people have been sitting in their same positions for over 20 years, their health has deteriorated, some end up in wheelchairs and still whiz around the corridors, others have trouble even walking, but they are still being paid the same amount of money, the difference is the lower paid employee picks up their work they are not capable of doing. I believe a medical test should be mandatory over the age of 50 years old. That includes Males and Females. Second thoughts I think medical check ups should be done on a more regular basis, there are a lot of bludgers out there, who take the opportunity of permanency, and the baby makers, one kid after the other, and their position are still there for them. Where are my Rights Gary ?

My other concern is CEO's ..... they are never seen - non-contactable, they sit there like God like figures, do not touch, make no contact. Huge salaries they are on ??????
So there from the CEO's comes another employee under him/her (mainly Males), then another employee all under the guise of Administration. I believe these CEO's down should be made accountable every 3-6 mths, if they have not shown any progress they should be sacked no lurks and perks. And their accountability should be made public. This is where money is spent instead of the right areas eg hospitals, doctors, nurses etc medical staff. Not wasting money on CEO's - Govt money for funding, by the time they have taken their cut there is none left for the purpose it was intended. Same with Education, all Govt Units.

Then when the media get these Units on the front pages of the Newspapers, it is the old Band-Aid department, draw up yet another committee, and have outside consultants in etc...... This needs to be stopped, another committee solves nothing.

I have been unemployed now since 14 September when my 'contract' expired at **** *****. Centrelink said no money from here you own your own house and have assets. Well I did not want 'contract' work introduced, so you can't have it both ways.
I have lost a little bit of weight, since no income Gary, I had intended too, but had no plans to go a 4 wks diet. I did however, fight to have **** honour their offer of work from 26/10 to 16/11. Yes offered me this verbal agreement, it had been approved, so I worked my life around this contract, but then a few days later received phone call from ****, don't bother coming in, no funding !!! Get that ? I did however get a result via- Steve Whan and my good self of course. (But now I will be marked as Do Not Employ ******** again) .... That is the price one pays for so called FREEDOM OF SPEECH. Same thing happened at ******* Hospital, I challenged the Hierarchy there, that was it -no more employment at ******* Hospital for **** *******. After this latest contract - 26/10 - 16/11 ..... Back to the diet again Gary.

I am unemployed again Gary. That is what contract work is all about. Please read my Resume carefully, and pls address my concerns re Centrelink and the above. I do hope you don't get too carried away with your new role and forget about what you are being paid to do ? As I said 3-6mths accountability and should be made for the public to see where our money is actually going?

It would seem Gary didn't pay much attention, because five days later, she CCd me an email to Tanya Plibersek:

Hi Tanya,

I need your help, Centrelink have admitted putting money into my account, when they had all the paperwork from me stating I am fully employed, but they kept on putting money in, I sent fax by the multitude, which they admit having received. They said they are fully responsible.

[snip]

I need your help asap.

Centrelink have now called me and stated I had requested a $500 loan, this is not true, I never asked for any money full stop. I begged them not to put money into my account as I was fully employed. I want to take this issue to court, I want compensation for what they have put me through.

Now, does she want a job, or just to not pay taxes? I did not know. Until later that day, when I received another email. By this time, Joe Hockey, Kay Patterson, and Mark Latham had all joined the illustrious CC list.

John Howard,

If you spent more time in Australia addressing the real issues of our Health, Education, Unemployment, Drug and Alcohol, Homelessness issue instead of trying to save these other countries outside Australia. And getting involved with G W Bush ...... we are paying you to address the problems here in Australia. Not o/seas .... Hello Hello ........ are you there John ?

And have a good look at the drug and crime offenders ..... look at their surnames ? they are not Australians .... they should be deported ... not given a slap across the wrist ... now now you must not sell your drugs here tut tut .....

Get into the real world John ...... This is Australia, the country that used to be a once happy and well crime FREE ... well not anymore ... have a look at the parties involved in Crime. Their surnames John ..... hello hello .......

Seems I was right in the beginning. She's just fucking racist.

Sam has been following this saga along with me. We were discussing what an "Australian" name would be. He suggested John Yobbo and Peter G'Day. Heh.

I look forward to her letters, now. She fascinates me. I'm not sure whether I feel compassion or contempt for her. I feel contassion.

Fucking crazy old bat.

posted by Ruth at 3:08 PM

I had totally forgotten about Pornolize until Mallrat mentioned it. I can't tell you how amusing I found this site when I was 13. I'd sit in year 7 keyboarding class Pornolizing the school website instead of doing my touch typing exercises (I was such a bad-arse), and sniggering at the results. Good times, and great classic hits. Anyway, I decided to Pornolize this site, and given that my sense of humour has become a bit more refined since I was 13, I didn't think that I was going to find it quite as funny as I did back then, but for old time's sake, I ran it through. AND... turns out I'm still totally as immature as I was back then, because I giggled like I was a school girl sitting in grey and green polo shirt in front of a 486 while my classmates played Jezball and Chip's Challenge again. Huh, who knew?

The funniest part was the Pornolized version of this post, where the list read:

1. Echo and the Bunnymen - The "Big Cock" Cutter
   
2. John "Sniff-my-Ass" Cale - Felchs 1919
   
3. The "Cock Sucker" Cure - Lullaby
   
4. My "Muffmuncher" Bloody Valentine - You "Long Finger" Made Me "Airing the Orchid" Realize
   
5. Kate "Muffmuncher" Bush - Wuthering "Fuck me for a Buck" Creams
   
6. White "Mount" Town - Your "Big Dick" Woman
   
7. Kelis - Milkshake
   
8. Neil "Bite Me" Young - Winterlong
   
9. The titty fucking Rapture - House of Gamahuches "Bitch" Sucks
   
10. David "Superdick" Bowie - Hallo "Thrushmore" Spaceboy
    
11. Stone "Sniff-my-Ass" Felchs - She "Anal" Wad pulls the Drum
    
12. Dinosaur "Muffdiver" Jr - Freak "Fannyfarmer" Scene
    
13. Elvis "Cockboy" Costello - Everyday I Write the barfing Book
    
14. Housemartins - Build
    
15. Elliot "Cock Sucker" Smith - Rose "Clitcollector" Parade
    
16. Blue Öyster Cult - Don't Fear the muff sniffing Reaper
    
17. Mission of Burma - Fistfucking "Butplug" Spring
    
18. Galaxie 500 - Blue "Big Cock" Thunder
    
19. Beasts of Bourbon - Chase the thrusting Dragon
    
20. The "Fuckface" Smiths - Panic

"Don't Fear the muff sniffing Reaper"? Now THAT is what I call comedy, folks.

posted by Ruth at 2:03 AM

Now, despite regularly attending (and occasionally playing at) Melbourne's many and varied live music venues, I'm quite sure I don't hold a lot of cred or noteriety in any of these places (well, for some time I was known as "the underage one" at one particular pub, but now I'm just over-age and just another nondescript face in the crowd there, too).

I'm not a scenester, I don't go to Ding Dong without a really good reason, I've never been a DJ, I've never been to Dance Motherfucker Dance or Shake Some Action, I don't like listening to pre-pubescant kids chanting - even in an ironic way, most bouncers don't know my name, I don't write for the streetpress, I don't hang out on Mono.net, I don't wear badges, and I'm rarely on the doorlist for anything.

I'm not trying to have a go at people who do or are any of these things, but my point is that when I go to see a band, I don't expect everyone to turn around and exclaim "RUTH!", or to be whisked off backstage to snort coke through hundred dollar bills with the band members. I'll be sneered at by the snotty door bitch, I'll pay for my own beer, and I'll rely on brute strength and a few swift knees to the groin to battle my way to the front of the stage like everyone else. BUT. I do have a few expectations based on the law of common bloody sense, and so I give you:

Ruth's Rules For Seeing Live Bands

1. If you're 7 feet or taller... YOU DON'T GET TO STAND IN FRONT OF ME
   
   
2. If you're drinking a Bacardi Breezer... YOU DON'T GET TO STAND IN FRONT OF ME
   
   
3. If you spend the whole gig sending SMSes on your mobile... YOU DON'T GET TO STAND IN FRONT OF ME
   
   
4. If you spend the whole gig whinging to your friends/boyfriend/girlfriend about how boring the band is... YOU DON'T GET TO STAND IN FRONT OF ME
   
   
5. If you're making out with someone... YOU DON'T GET TO STAND IN FRONT OF ME
   
   
6. If you're yelling out either abuse or "FREEBIRD!"... YOU DON'T GET TO STAND IN FRONT OF ME
   
   
7. If you're taking pictures of the band with your mobile phone... YOU DON'T GET TO STAND IN FRONT OF ME
   
   
8. If you feel compelled to remove your shirt... DON'T, YOU FILTHY CUNT. YOU'RE PROBABLY DISGUSTING ENOUGH ALREADY, YOU SWEATY FUCK. I DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOUR RANCID BARE SKIN AND SOPPING-WET CHEST HAIRS. I BET YOU ALSO HAVE A BEER GUT AND A NIPPLE RING. KEEP THAT SHIT TO YOURSELF.

You break the rules, well... don't be so shocked when I "accidentally" spill beer all over you. Just saying.

posted by Ruth at 2:59 PM